IT STILL COUNTS RIGHT?

Today I had a schedule jam packed with meetings, lectures and presentations. The prospects of eating lunch was not looking good, so I decided to pop into the only bakery in town that actually sells bagels.

I never eat breakfast.

Although I love breakfast foods, I cannot abide eating said foodstuff before 11:00am, but today, a nice morning bagel and cream cheese would keep my energy up and soothe the afternoon hunger pangs.

I walked into the bakery, drooled over the bagels, went to pay and oops!! I left my debit card, credit card and cash at home (45 minutes away).

I race out to the car and check every possible nook and cranny for lost change. I managed to scrounge up $2.50… Still two dollars short of a pack of bagels.

No time to beg passers-by, I had to rush off to my first meeting of the day, where the woman set out fruit mince pies and shortbread biscuits between us on the table. I was doing most of the talking in this meeting which means there was not even a slight chance to stuff my mouth with the leftover Christmas baking that was sitting before me.

Sometime around 1:30 in the afternoon I finally had ten minutes at my desk, where I found an old bag of Jelly Bellies. At this point I was feeling like a starving subway rat that spotted a fallen french fry.

My eyes turned beady and bright red, I glared and anyone who dared to walk past.

I checked the key to see what two flavours were left. What luck! Strawberry jam and peanut butter! So I combined equal parts of both types and ate them. My secret hope was that the flavour combination would trick my stomach into believing there was a sandwich on its was down.

I think it worked, now only if Jelly Belly made the flavours Escargot and Garlic Butter… I'm in the mood for French tonight..

THE CHRISTMAS SPLITS

A couple days ago, over on Grandma J the beautiful Grandma J showed off her favourite christmas decorations, then asked if we had any that had to put up every year.

I have a few special ornaments and decorations that go up every year, but the most special one to me is a little man that hangs on a door knob.



When you pull the string that is hanging from in between his legs, he does the Christmas splits.



I once, regretfully, lived in Milwaukee for a year and a half. While my time there was wrought with freezing cold weather and depression, I was fortunate enough to live a beautiful apartment building on the lake.




I could write a book about the people and happenings in this building. The 70% of the residents were retirees who sold their houses in the suburbs to live in the city. Noboby went to the mailboxes unless they impeccably dressed and in full hair and make-up.

Down the hall lived a wonderful elderly couple, John and Jean, whom I struck up a good friendship. Every Christmas she put this little man on her door knob. Once at a holiday cocktail party I was telling Jean how wonderful the little man is. The next morning as I was heading out the door for work, the little man was has hanging on my door knob.

Jean loved birdwatching and her son gave her a caged bird, which then caused her to develop Psittacosis. A few weeks after I was given the little man, Jean died.

Every year I when I see little man I think of Jean and wish her a Merry Christmas.

OH YEAH! - UPDATE

I bought a 23 pound turkey for 2 adults and 2 kids. I am pretty sure that this means that, on average, we will be eating 4,000 pounds per person for Christmas dinner. What I really want to know is what this the average temperature and time per pound that one needs to cook a turkey???

UPDATE - Thank you Pumpkin!! You know it hadn't occurred to me to check the package... Go figure. I should point out that I have not made a turkey in ages (I think since leaving the US) as you have to special order them here and only at Christmas time. Are you guys sitting down?

This turkey, because of the turkey rareity down this way, a 23 pound (10.5 kg) turkey cost me a whopping $185. So you can see I am under added pressure, and please don't tell Stuart how much it cost. I told him it was only like $20 or $30.

Frangelico and Pineapple

I am getting a lot of searches to my blog for "Frangelico and Pineapple". I once made a pineapple panna cotta and drank Frangelico.

Let me give those searching a word of advice:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas Cards

OK, so it is Christmas Eve here already. I realise that the only post I have done about Christmas was complaining about work holiday parties... this one is not any different, except I have one other observation I want to talk about.

I am "working from home" today. Which means I am slaving over my computer doing work, but also drink a very large pitcher of long island iced tea and making cookies. I will let you decide whether (weather, wether... what? Is that correct? whether?) that is worth still being paid without counting towards an annual leave day.

Anyhow, yesterday I was invited to yet another work cocktail function for those of us who are "working" on christmas eve. I kid you not, the e-mail read as such:

"The drinks will take place from 2:30 until approx. 3:15 {what? 45 minutes for drinks?} As a special christmas request, please wash and dry your own glass."

Again, needless to say, I will not be attending that one. Not because I am unwilling to help out, but it is the point that it is shameful to put that on an invitation. Should I bring my own glass too?

OK, my second observation. I have been recieving quite a few christmas cards from my friends who still live in America.

However the Christmas "card" is just a photo of their kids with some printed inscription like "Happy Holidays".

I live in Australia, most of my friends and family still live in the US, so when I get something like this from them, I get excited!

Yet when I flip over the "cards" there is nothing but "Kodak" printed on the back. No letter, or quick hello.

So if I can make a suggestion to all of you who send out these cards, please please please write something... anything... on them! Child's ages, or a "Hello" maybe???

I love seeing photos and I love every last one of my friends, but I feel cheated, and I can guarantee you, that if I feel that way, 85% of the people who you send these too feel that way.

Now that that is out of the way, I love Christmas. I don't celebrate the religious aspects of it... I am personally an atheist who wishes he was Jewish. However I am a homo and this is the time of year where it is acceptable to throw around glitter, re-decorate and play fabulous music!!!!!

I want to make a special shout-out to Pumpkin Delight (I am too drunk to link right now), I hope you are having a fantastic time in Hawaii, and I really hope that you get a good lai. ;)

I love you all and wish that I could teleport and give everyone a big hug or fur purse (Hello, JLo!) and see your stained glass plates (Big smooches Grandma J!) and have naked picnics (Hugs Mr Show & Giancarlo and Live. Love. Eat.) and pretend to be a prima ballerina doing the Snow Pas from Nutcracker (Kisses Mom#1) and split a pitcher of holiday spirit (aka long island iced tea) with Bossy, Someone in a Tree, ktk, Nikki, Bloom, Sabrina T, Mush and learn all about opera (Big Texas love to SarahB).

I think I may have successfully talked the kids in celebrating Channukamas or Christmaskah next year.

Cheers, big ears!!!

DEAR ________

Dear Mr Show,

Is your second grade show complete with a music teacher wearing a bad holiday sweater who sings the loudest using an opera style whilst banging away at the piano and conducting the kids at the same time?

I'll bring the champagne.


Dear Sabrina T,

Any special holiday spirit recipes you can share? Or is just drank straight from the bottle?

Actually a martini does sound nice right about now! My lower back is killing me and I think it will do the trick!

PS - How was The Night Before Christmas??


Dear Mush,

I learnt evil from the best. ;) XXX


Dear Nikki,

I feel like it has been ages since I saw you last! Toby is awesome so far, except for a little annoying habit of waking me up on the dot at 5:15am every morning!


Dear ktk (aka anonymous),

I hope that there is some serious cute footage to come. He is so awesome I love to just look at him and think of how devastating gorgeous he is.

Then after I move away from the mirror...


Dear Grandma J,

The kids here go to school based on the yearly calendar. So They start in early February and finish in mid December. They get nothing like the super long summer vacations that we got!

Thanks for the info on the rawhides. That is horrible! I don't normally get them because they unroll and then you get slimey sheets of rawhide laying everywhere... which, you know, is sooo much worse than slimey bits of a gigantic brown pig's ear.

One of the funniest stories happened about a week after Toby came home. Stuart and I were in the spa and Toby could not stand to be at any distance from he, so he jumped right in and fell asleep on my chest.


Dear Mom #1

I am so happy to read that everything is alright with Baby Boy! Now you can really celebrate these holidays.

You would have to waiting to read my essay on why I hate Mary Ingalls! That one is taking the me the longest to write because I have to go back and watch all nine seasons of the show to get every last point as to why she drives me insane (but not as insane as Carrie Ingalls).

How was The Nutcracker?


Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Bad boys do it for you, eh? LOL

My mafia names (yes, I have four accounts to get the maximum addiction load) are highly unsexy. They are 1. Sophia Petrillo, 2. Dorothy Szbornak, 3. Tony Pianostrings and 4. Hot Lips Zucchini.

Not quite what you were hoping for?

Oh by the way, I have put your Sweet Potato and Apple recipe up on the site. I just haven't put up the site yet! Many thanks for letting me use it!

FW: WHAT? IT'S NOT BLOODY FRIDAY YET?

This has been the absolute longest week in history... ever...

It has been non stop holiday lunches and brunches. I have received 3 invites from my work alone. One was for a company-wide picnic in the botanical park. I didn't go. Picnics are not moments meant to be shared with co-workers whom you do not even wish to socialise at work. Picnics are for getting drunk and laying naked in the grass.

The other two work invites for a dinner and brunch, respectively. They both started out right, but ended with the same sentence:

"ALL STAFF WHO ATTEND MUST ASSIST IN CLEANING UP AFTERWORDS."

I won't be RSVP'ing to either of those.

How many Secret Santa's can one do in a year before you realise a total of $300 has been spent buying presents for people whose names you pulled out of hat?

I was totally in the holiday spirit on Monday. I pranced around placing fabulous sparkling baubles on plants, lamps and puppies while singing "We Need a Little Christmas" from Mame. Now it is Thursday and the only holiday spirit I want is vodka with three green and red olives.

POSITIVELY PERFECT POST IN EVERY WAY

Yesterday for the first time, I tried to e-mail a blog post about Zimbabwe.

Because it was my first time, I was particularly excited and curious about the results. As you can see from yesterday's post, I had nothing to worry about!

The font and text colour came out perfect. FAIL!

The sizing was consistant and neither to large or too small. FAIL!

All of the pictures appeared without a hitch. FAIL!

FW: Daily inspiration.... "The power of poor leadership"

From an e-mail sent around the office this morning:

Today's daily inspiration is larger than usual but I felt it was an interesting look at how leadership can add value to or devalue the worth of their currency and thus the lives of the people.

We think that the current economic crisis is having a large impact on us all but the poor citizens of Zimbabwe have been coping with their own one since the collapse of the agriculture sector in 2000 when the inflation skyrocketed to 231 million percent a year! Just think about it – 231, 000, 000%. Unemployment went up to 80% and a third of country's population departed it.

Lets now have a look at the photos that you probably won't see anywhere else in the world.

Here is a boy getting change in 200 000 dollar notes!



One 200 000 dollar note equals less than 10 cents.


A new note of 500 000 dollars introduced to the market!

Next - 750 000 dollars.

Another new note of 10 million dollars.

This US $10 dollar note is worth 10 times more than the 10 million dollar Zimbabwe note.

Happy but hungry

A case worth 65 billion Zimbabwe dollars to pay for a meal.

This guy is going to a supermarket. The exchange rate was then 25 million Zimbabwe dollars for 1 US dollar.

This mountain of cash is worth $100.

50 Million note is then introduced!

Next is 250 million dollars note!

Sorry, how much is this t-shirt?
- It`s cheap, only about 2.76 billion dollars! Note the price is in 'millions' or 'billions'

Gee….hope it survives the wash.

May - a note of 500 million dollars is introduced!

June - note worth 25 and 50 billion are printed.

And finally - 100 billion dollars note!

What can you buy for it? Well, these 3 eggs for example.

This is how people go to restaurants!

And the bills:

In August, the government devalued Zimbabwe dollar by removing 10 zeros from notes.

However, inflation kept going up and in September for this amount of cash you could only buy 4 tomatoes.

And for this - some bread.

And then it started again: 20 000 dollars note in September. Remember, this is after removing 10 zeros!

50 000 a couple of weeks ago!



When will it end?
And equally importantly, How will it end?

---

Find your ideal job with SEEK Time for change?

AND FINALLY PRESENTING... THE PUPPY!

I have been teasing you for weeks with threats of photos of my new puppy.

Well finally I have some decent pics and would like to introduce you to Toby.



Toby is a pug x shih tzu, however he looks and acts just like a pug. The one great benefit from the shih tzu is that he has hair and not fur, which means no shedding! Hurray!

Toby was a bit older than the typical puppy one brings home. He was 4 months old when we got him, and the price had been reduced. Nobody wanted him and that broke my heart. I could not figure out who would not love his cuteness and sweet face.

It took me several days to work out a name for him. The kids kept hassling me every 20 minutes and asking if I decided on a name yet. I mean geez, when humans get pregnant they have 9 months to think of that perfect name, can't I at least have 24 hours?

After a long list, I finally settled on "Toby" after the boy character in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Mainly because in Sweeney Todd, Toby's big number is Not While I'm Around, and I felt that was the perfect song for a dog to sing, if a dog could sing.

Here are some more photos for your amusement. Note that in the first photo he is not only chewing on a rawhide but also a squeaky toy.

INTERPRETIVE WHAT??

So last night was Blane's middle school awards and the Year 9's graduation into high school (Blane is only Year 7) night. I cannot convey to you how thrilling this is for Stuart and I to attend.

After 3 and half hours of awards, certificates, speeches, announcements and farewells, the entire middle school gave us a year end Christmas recital finale. I cannot convey to you how thrilling this finale was.

It started out with three Hip Hop Travellers on their way to Africa.

The Three Hip Hop Travellers wore white hoodies and white masks and they apparently do not travel the world by plane, boat or train, they get places by krumping or break dancing or having epileptic fits... I wasn't sure.

So they finally arrive in Africa and we are treated with an African Christmas carol and some very uninspired dancing by two students who are from Africa... and now we know why they left.

The Hip Hop Travellers then convulsed their way to the Bahamas, where the official Christmas carol is Jingle Bells with a metal drum banging in the background.

The HHTs are off again to Indonesia, this time they can get half way around the world by simply striking a pose. We are serenaded with a traditional Indonesian carol, Silent Night.

Yes, but wait! There was a long musical interlude during Silent Night, where the school's blind girl played the flute while the Year 9 girls did an interpretive dance... which was something like tai chi with a little Hawaiian hula thrown in.

I know what you are thinking. I am a horrible human being for making fun of a bunch of 12 year olds. You are right, but I may also remind you that you did not have to sit through the entire 30 minute finale.

I might also remind you of the logistical gaps present in this recital. First being, was that really a very efficient trip around the world? North Pole to Africa to The Bahamas to Indonesia? What were the Three Hip Hop Travellers searching for? Every good christmas recital needs to have someone searching for something, and then finding it on christmas morning, where they learn that the holidays are not about hype, they are about getting things.

The costuming was lousy. Obviously low budget.

This production has a long way to go before reaching Off-Off-Broadway.

TUESDAYS WITH TONY

OK, so technically this is a performance at the Tony Awards, but it is not of a Tony nominated musical.

I vividly remember this opening and have been dying to see it ever since! Thank goodness for YouTube!

The above clip is from a Tony Awards opening and features Megan Mullaly doing a very abridged and very funny song from How To Succeed in Business...

You may know Megan Mullaly as Karen on Will & Grace.

On the lam..

Well, I have not posted anything this week. Pathetic, I know.

I figured that everyone deserved a break from the World's Longest Slide Show, because believe me, there is a lot more to go! I have also been really swamped at work as I trying to prepare a whole new budget as the government has decided to cut it's funding to my department in half.

OK, I must admit to you now, that while those above reasons are true, the real reason I have not posted is because I am addicted to recently discovered application on Facebook called Mafia Wars.

In all of my spare time I have been robbing drug dealers, holding bank heists and buying Italian restaurants to pay for my new bullet-proof Escalade.

I do have some interesting posts coming up including the return of Tuesdays with Tony, Fabulous Friday, four new additions to my family and some essays I have been working on ("Why I Hate Mary Ingalls" & "Neuroplasticity and Quantum Mechanics: More Than Just Big Words").

I must close here because I need to go burgle an art museum.

Dear ______ ,

Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Thank you so much for sending on the recipe for spoon bread, and for re-posting your tortilla soup recipe. The tortilla soup was a smash hit! Blane ate three bowls for dinner and wants it again today for lunch.

Teenage debauchery was so much fun, I have to admit. I think that the best part of being a teenager is going through life without knowing the implications of what you are doing. The blissful ignorance. The braissen outspokenness. The bold gestures. The fearless chance taking.

To be honest, I always hated drinking in that park. It just felt so undignified. Even at 15 I much rather preferred a martini in a skyline apartment with Ella Fitzgerald playing in the background.

Did you ever see the movie Sweet Charity with Shirley Maclaine? Remember when she met the Italian movie star and he took her to that restaurant/nightclub and everyone was wearing black and walking around in typical Bob Fosse fashion? That was have been my dream teenage house party.

By the way, you were right. The jack-o-lantern that I carved was the starry eyed one. How did you know?



Dear Mom#1,

Wow! Can I have what you are on?

I am glad you seem to be feeling better, or at least distanced from the pain! Have you had your surgery yet?


Dear JLo,

Lurk away, gorgeous!

The fall trees were always my favourite thing about growing up in a climate with four distinct seasons. The beauty of it was the one thing I never took for granted.

OK so I am perfectly happy living without having to rake up those leaves every week, but after you are done, and the leaves are in a big pile, you jump in them and throw them around and it makes it all worth it.


Dear Jason

I suppose the viaduct is a bit creepy. I mean technically it would have been the perfect respite for kidnappers, hobos, murderers, child molesters and possibly aliens, but whenever I looked at it all I could see was the history and immense man power and engineering it would have taken to construct something like that over 150 years ago.

Old buildings have always managed to put me in a trance like state. For some reason I feel connected to them. My imagination starts to run wild and I try to experience what the building would have looked like new, who owned it, how it was used and what clothes were they wearing.

PS I guess you have to give snaps to Kim! She called you out, Grandpa!!


Whilst we are on the topic of gorgeous grandparents,

Dear Grandma J,

It is great to see that you have been thoroughly enjoy your Thanksgiving season, and it seems to me that you have a lot for which to be thankful.

Of course I noticed your eyelashes. Do you remember how I said that you remind me of my favourite aunt? Well she always had long eyelashes too. It is spooky the similarities.

In certain parts, that river was deeper than it appears in the photos. Enough to go rafting, but not canoeing. I must first point out that my brother and I never got very far because the blow-up raft we used had a slow leak and we spent most of our Great Adventure floating around half underwater.

Come to think of it, rafting was a pretty stupid idea, we would have had better luck using the old water bed mattress.


Dear Everyone in the World Right Now,

I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving weekend. We don't celebrate it down here, but every odd year I will throw a big Thanksgiving dinner party to keep the tradition alive for me. This was an even year.

If you celebrate, is it your tradition to put up your Christmas tree and decorations the day or weekend after Thanksgiving? Have you done so? I want pictures!!!!


love, Hula Hank x

ROADTRIP... CLEVELAND METROPARKS PT 2

I am sure everyone who grew up where I did remembers this viaduct. How many bodies were found washed up stream, drowned by attempting to swim in this section of the fast moving Tinkers Creek? I remember a few.

Which is what made this tunnel so fascinating.

You see, not because it was an old tunnel, but the thrill at trying to walk through it without dying!

Which Stuart and I managed to do, at least part of the way until the water was too high on the other end. Plus it smelled a bit like feces in there.

As I stood and looked out onto the creek and the changing autumnal leaves, for that moment in time I was proud of where I was from and grateful to share its beauty.

So many memories came rushing back, like when my brother and I tried to white water raft down this creek in a half deflated raft. Do you remember that bro?

Riding my bike to the candy store downtown, getting a nickel grab bag and then coming down here to eat it.

The toilet block up top that was nothing but a group toilet over a big hole in the ground. The trick was to not look down or breath.

My grandpa used to bring us here a lot as well. I believe he is the one who first took me into the tunnel.

For me, this is a serenity spot.... SERENITY NOW!!

I dare you to look at these next photos and not feel some sense of calm:

ROADTRIP... CLEVELAND METROPARKS

Growing up where I did, I was lucky to have lived only a short distance from the most beautiful branch of the Cleveland Metroparks. On summer break, my brother and I used to ride our bikes down here and hang out in the woods.

Later on, in high school a certain section of the Metroparks was where everyone partied, and by partied I mean sit around a get drunk. Of course to get to this section you had to climb in the dark down steep hills and narrow paths, that is if you made it past the cops first.

Now this old party section has become the latest edition of the Metroparks to get a makeover compelete with a proper pathway and signs which tell you all about the area's gristmill history.

Gone is the graffitti, beer cans and stench of teenage debauchery... you know, the good old days.

ROADTRIP... THANKSOWEENIE ROAST

I left off with the big combo day of the early Thanksgiving/early Halloween and Weenie Roast.

My brother knew of a corn maze and pumpkin patch where we could pick up a few cheap pumpkins to carve.

Despite this, the corn maze was, er, aMAZEing. The farmer had carved a maze out of his corn fields which from the air appeared as a barn with a chicken out front next to a windmill and let's not forget a big sun!

The day we went, the maze was closed but as we arrived the farmer was coming down on his tractor and my brother dropped the fact that we were out from Australia which convinced the farmer into opening the maze just for us (well that, and 80 bucks)... and this included a tractor ride to the entrance.






Nothing says "Fall" more than walking around lost through mud and sky high stalks of corn. My oldest sister thought it would be a great a idea to pluck the corn kernels and leave them as a trail so we knew where we had been. This is a wonderful idea if you are Hansel and Gretel, however in a public corn maze,several hundred people had the same idea and the paths were paved with bits of corn.

My sister was particularly fond of these two:

This is the mother load we came home with!

Guess how much these trunkload of pumpkins cost? Nope, you are wrong. All that only cost $10, child included!!

The best part was carving them into jack-o-lanterns. This was Stuart and Blane's first time ever carving a pumpkin. We scooped out the seeds and I roasted them in two different flavours, 1. Ranch and 2. Garlic and Chilli.


Guess which jack-o-lantern I carved.


PS - I don't have any photos of the weenie roast that followed, It was way too dark and after the box of old liquor was brought out nobody wanted any proof of what actually happened on the night.

Dear _______ ,

Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Do you know what it is funny with my family owning most of the town my mother lives in, I don't actually know anyone there besides my grandma, aunts and uncles. At the time when my mother grew up, the town only had dirt road, no electricity or sewage systems. There were also no highways and it took several hours to even get to the city. My mom told me that most of the people that she went to school with no longer live around there because they just wanted to get out and find opportunity.

It is also a strong Amish community and as people moved out, the Amish bought up the properties. On this past visit I noticed that it was a much more Amish orientated, up the street there is now an amish school, market and meeting hall.

So yeah, needless to say, the town really knows how to party... did I just hear crickets?

PS I have just bought the corn meal... all I need now is the recipe! ;)


Dear Live. Love. Eat.,

Welcome! I must admit that I couldn't stop looking the turkeys and wondering how they would taste... but that may have been the margarita talking.

I have been slowly working my way around your blog, and I like your cocktail/food philosopshy!

Dear Jason ,

Oh my goodness! That sounds like a classic photo! It always seems to be about the hand and arm placement, doesn't it? Hands out or on your hips equals gigantic fairy. Hand grasping your chin equals big macho man.

I don't have any photos like that.

Dear Mom #1,

First, I hope that you are feeling better, I know that your dental appointment was put off, but I hope that the pain is gone and even more important, you have a reached a peaceful calm and acceptance about the extraction.

If you are still nervous, I will ask my mother to send you a mostly empty and dusty bottle of 6-year old booze.

PS - If 2007 was all about sin and 2008 is all about reclaimed virginity, what is 2009 going to be about?



Dear Grandma J,

Ever since you told me you occasionally dine on chicken nuggets at the movie theatre, I have been craving chicken mcnuggets.

That is not my cousin, that is my nephew. Thank you for thinking I couldn't possibly be old enough to have a 22 year nephew... but I am. I am a month or two older than he. ;)

Anyway, you are entirely correct, THAT SHIRT would have totally appreciated the day, however I wore it the day before and it was in the wash so I could wear it the day after. I do believe I hung it up on the line so that it could dry and watch the family take photos and eat turkey.

It enjoyed a beautiful sunny day overlooking the autumn leaves and green lawn, which my mother moes herself. She says it takes about three hours to do. For the record, it did not need to be mowed during my trip, or else I totally would have volunteered Stuart for the job.

Dear Everyone Who Left a Comment About MY NEW PUPPY Whom I Mentioned Once and Never Mentioned Again,

Photos to come. He is the coolest dog ever (with the exception of my original pug Mishka)! He falls into the pool and jumps into the spa, eats the cat's furballs and looks like a chenile teddy bear!


Love Hula Hank

PS - Dear Bossy,

Woot! Woot!

ROADTRIP... A FAMILY PORTRAIT PART TWO

As my sister said, this is exactly how she likes her men... on their knees.

The above photo is one of my favourites. I think it is such a beautiful shot of my bro's family. Do I sound all butch saying "bro"?

The brothers.

It is all fun and games until someone puts their hand in someone else's sweaty arm pit. We must have been in to holding people up that day...

My sister brought over a few bottles of some amish wine called Frost Fire or Fire Frost or None of the Above. I don't remember, I didn't even know the amish could drink. Anyway the wine is sickly sweet and gives you a hangover after about one sip. Which is why I had to immediately switch to manhattans.

Actually that is a funny story. You remember how I told you that my mother lives about 78 hours drive from the nearest store?

Well, after we ran out of wine, my mother brings a big box up from the basement. It was filled with Bourbon, Sweet vermouth, Vodka, Bitters, half empty wine bottles and almost empty bottles of tequila and margarita mix. She said that she saved it from the last time I came out... 6 years ago!!!

Well desperate times call for desperate measures. There is nothing left in the box.