Monday, August 31, 2009

DEAR ____________

Dear All,

I know it may seem unusual to have a few manhattans on a Monday, but that is the way we roll.

The real truth is that I purchased electronic tickets for Stuart and I to go to a Saturday night female impersonator show at the casino, however on Friday I left my print-out tickets at work. Which meant we were screwed on a night out. (J-Lo bite your tongue!)

You are probably asking, "Why couldn't you just print out the tickets out at home? After all you have have three laptop and two computers between the four you."

You are correct, however we do not have a printer.

So now you are probably asking, "Where are you going with this story? Can I have a refill now?"

Well, I went out on Saturday afternoon to buy a new printer. A wireless one so we can print from where ever we happen to be in the house.. like on the toilet, for instance.

What? Did you just say, "Aaaaannnd???"

Well, when I set up the wireless printer to connect wirelessly to the wireless router which provides wireless networking and wireless internet for our wireless computers, the wireless internet went down, however we could wirelessly print family photos while going to the loo (which cannot be done wirelessly).

At the last minute, the internet came up for a few minutes and I was able to print the tickets (from the toilet) and the night out was spared.

Wake up!

The moral of the story is: My internet went bye-bye and said hello again Sunday night so now we toast on Monday... from the toilet.

Dear Queen of Phrump,

I really like the idea of "Murder Mystery of the Week".. Well I don't actually like the idea of having to deal with a weekly mystery murder, I can see the appeal.

Speaking about dead animals, I was asking Stuart what was normally done when horses die. Apparently there are two options. The first one is to illegally bury it on your property. Of course, this means that as the dead horse bloats, the ground above it rises out, until the gas comes out of the horse some way (I beleive he said the horse exploded, but I am not sure convinced of that), then it collapses back down.

The other option is to have someone take it away where it is processed into blood & bone for the garden.

Both options sound a bit gruesome to me.

Which reminds me that your Addams Family theme is totally awesome! You would make a fantastic Morticia.

Dear Mom #1,

Congratulations on your twin additions!

I do remember Ripley's Believe It or Not tv show. I hated that show. They still try to bring it back every now and then, but that show is just nasty! I can only think of that woman who can pop her eyeballs out.

Now I got the shivers.

The only thing scarier are those plastic ponchos at Niagara Falls.

Possibly a little sinching with a belt an a sequin or two would make them a bit more attractive... Also thinking about it, why were the Walk Behind the Falls ponchos yellow and the Maid of the Mist ponchos blue? If someone fell off the boat, wouldn't they be spotted easier in the blue water if they were in yellow?

What iF that Ripley's woman was on the Maid of the Mist and fell overboard and popped her eyeballs out as she fell?

See that is why I cannot watch or even think about these TV shows!

Dear All,

You are drinking like a fish tonight! I will just "pop out" to the bottle shop to up more bottles. Any suggestions?

Friday, August 28, 2009


You sickos were on commenting fire this month!

You covered all the perverse bases from butt plug kisses to 32 foot motor homes to peeing of one's pants to dead horse dump trucks and Tinker belles laughing at dead wood.

I sense a pitcher of Manhattans and a "Dear _________" post coming on!

...And JLo I know you are going to say and it is too easy!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


There are lots of other attractions around Niagara Falls to keep you occupied and dry.

For instance there is Hershey World!

And Mounties:

Large thermometers:

Giant plates:

And giantic wooden moose testicles:

Monday, August 17, 2009


How can you go to Niagara Falls and not go on the Maid of the Mist?

Part of the whole Maid of the Mist experience is wearing a beautiful blue plastic rain poncho, obviously designed by Dolce & Gabbana

Although it is popular for people to ask, "Did you go on the boat that goes under the falls?" the boat does not actually go under the falls.

It does come pretty damn close.

Also lots of water is sprayed on your face, it was like being back at Universal Studios!

Note: THAT shirt was with me every step of the way!

Saturday, August 15, 2009


It had recently come to my attention that I never actually finished The World's Longest Slide Show on my not so recent trip back to the U.S.

I know what you are thinking. "Who told?" Am I right?

Just sit back enjoy a nice cocktail and nod your head.

We have been in Cleveland over a week, and it was getting well due for a little divertisment. So we all piled into a tiny little Chrysler 300 and headed off to Canada for a few days.

After a 3 or 4 hour drive along Lake Erie through Pennsylvania & New York, we were finally welcomed to Canada.

Isn't it lovely??

So much has changed about the Falls. First of all, there is now a casino, and high rise hotels and high class shopping malls and 4 star restaurants. This is a shame because it took away from the natural wonder of the reason people even come here, The Falls!

After we checked into our decidedly not 4-star hotel all of layered on our warm clothes and walked down the Falls to catch the evening light display.

Although the lighting is a bit low tech, it is a spectacular sight. Still, would it hurt to upgrade the light show into the 21st century and start doing image projections?

Just hanging around the edge of the falls, we had a good time and managed to take some fantastic shots of ourselves.

This is my mom and uncle.

The boys.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I hold a long-time fear of aliens.

Blame it on ‘Unsolved Mysteries.’

That show was so creepy! Everything from the theme music to dulcet tones of Robert Stack’s voice… even the episodes that were about wonderful miracles were somehow creepy.

Often I wonder how many people developed serious phobias all because of that creepy show.

I am one and I know of one other. Are we alone?

Ever since my sister forced me to watch that first episode back in the late 80s, I cannot sleep next to an uncovered window because aliens are watching me through giant telescopes whilst I am sleeping.

My feet must also be covered and tucked by the covers at all times. It is common knowledge that when one “covers and tucks” with the sheets one becomes invisible and aliens cannot grab exposed limbs and pull you to the alien starship for probing.

This technique also works on the ghosts that live under the bed.

You are thinking that I have lost it, but I tell you with my fingers uncrossed, that I have had an alien encounter.

One night last year, I was in fast asleep (covered and tucked) when I woke up to the sound of the bedroom door slowly creaking open.

As the door opened it revealed a dark shadowy silhouette of a being, standing tall and thin, arms hanging down at the sides.

I once read in a book that stated if one is visited by alien (or “greys” as the author called them), to force them to flee one should send the alien thoughts and feeling of love.

With this knowledge I spent many hours preparing myself for this exact moment. I knew I should send love to the extraterrestrial shadow, but all I could do was act like a stunned mullet.

The shadowy being made an odd noise and I could hear bursts of strange alien liquid hitting the tiled floor.


I started to scream at the top of my lungs “ALIENS!!! ALIENS!!!”

Stuart wasn’t waking up so I started to whack him… hard! “ALIENS!!! ALIENS!!!

Stuart leapt out of bed, ready to pounce! He raced over to the shadowy being but was foiled when he slipped on the alien liquid.

The shadowy being turned toward Stuart, opened its mouth and said, “Daddy, I don’t feel good.”

It was the son. He came into our room in the middle of the night to tell us he needed had a sore tummy. He got scared when I started to scream and just stood there, frozen with fear. That is, until he actually threw up all over the floor.

Ever since that night, my fear of aliens has not been as strong as it was in the past but the other day I received an informal, unspecified and definitely classified invitation to sit in a certain Area-51 adjacent Royal backyard to watch the night sky for alien starships.

It royally gives me the creeps just thinking about such an evening, but I am oddly intrigued to accept… I am even thinking of creating a special Alien Starship Martini for the event.

I think I could handle it. Just so long as nobody hums the theme tune to “Unsolved Mysteries.”


Wednesday, August 5, 2009


I came home from work to be greeted by two council cars, two more councils cars from the neighbouring council, five FESA (Fire and Emergency Services) three SES (State Emergency Service) trucks, three ranger cars, an RSPCA truck, two unknown SUVs, a big digger tractor, a local news crew and about 50 people standing around the front paddock.

What the hell is going on?

Numerous things passed through my head. They found a dead body! An electical explosion started a fire! The council is here to take away the horse because we haven't yet applied for a permit! The horse caused an electrical explosion and blew open a hole in the ground that exposed dead bodies... on fire, and the council was here to arrest the horse for suspected murder!

I parked my car and raced down to the paddock to find out what was actually going on.

I found Stuart and he explained that the horse got stuck upside down, all four legs in the air, in the currently dried up winter creek ditch.

Noone knows how long he was stuck there, the daughter only found him when she came home from school.

In a panic, she rang Stuart and then some friends who have an orchard right behind us on the other side of the national forest.

Their whole family came rushing over and rang everyone they knew to come and help.

While all of the rescue crew and RSPCA were standing around arguing over who was in charge and what they were going to do, Stuart arrived home and told everyone that the horse needed to be dug out of the ditch.

The friend's father rushed down the street to a farmer, who had the flu and was sick in bed, and asked him to come down with his tractor digger thing.

They dug the horse out, the horse is fine and they lived happily ever after.

The End.