Monday, October 26, 2009


At this time, Hula Hank will not be taking on any new commitments.

Instead, Mr Hank will be focusing on improving and streamlining his existing commitments.

That is all.

Friday, October 9, 2009

DEAR ________________ ,

Dear All,

You have been jipped big time.

The last gathering I left you early to get more booze and I never came back. The reason is I swerved to avoid hitting another wittle wabbit when suddenly a kangaroo with a bazooka jumped in front of my car.

The little bugger was out for revenge!

I was driving as fast as I could, but there he was hopping behind me the whole time. Luckily he was a bad shot. He blew up a picking shed, a hen house and the mayonnaise factory before he got tired and gave up.

The good news is that I have a new bottle of chocolate liqueur, so today we will be having Chocolate Martinis.

Dear Mr Show,

A ‘windscreen’ is the same as a ‘windshield’ only a windscreen has bird beaks stuck in it.

The death lily, as I know you and Pumpkin were dying to know, is from South Africa. It is also called a calla lily and arum lily. I looked it up and the real name is Zantedeschia.

In regards to the name “Death Lily,” Wikipedia says it can be poisonous to livestock and children, but I have never heard that. Plus when I gave it to my kids to eat, nothing happened. So in probability the name “Death Lily” came from it being the flower of choice at funerals.

Here in Western Australia, it was brought over to be used in home gardens, but it got a bit out of control and now it is Plant Gone Wild. It grows everywhere there is a winter creek, dam or marshy paddock. It was declared a weed, which means that… well, I don’t know.

Someone told me that it was no longer allowed to be sold in nurseries or picked to be sold commercially; however the past few weeks I have seen small bunches of them for sale at $8.00 each.

There are hundreds of thousands growing in my winter creek… $8/bunch multiplied by hundreds of thousands… I should really set up a table on the tree lawn.

Dear Mom #1,

Can I have some of the pills you are on? My blog has been the same-o, same-o for the past year. Obviously I should change it again.

Actually that is a good idea. I mean how long can one live with the new drapes before changing the carpet?

Don’t worry! You are safe walking in my neighbourhood. I don’t aim for people only kangaroos, wittle wabbits and native birds. You will, however, need to watch out for the snakes, scorpions and poisonous spiders.

Dear Grandma J,

You want me to write about my childhood adventures under the bridge? Make me sound like I was troll trying to trap people who crossed the bridge.

So I should clarify that technically it was a viaduct and we never went inside because the water would wash us away and kill us plus satanists had rituals in there plus ghosts called it home plus Bloody Mary would appear if you said her name three times.

I have troubles remembering events from childhood (well, the good events anyway) unless I am prompted. Like when I went back to that viaduct and looked out over the river, I was flooded (no pun intended) with memories and feelings.

Possibly if I started to write about them, I would remember more, and even get the answers to many unanswered questions.

Dear Pumpkin Delight,

That picture was entitled “Self Portrait – Creek Crotch Shot” by Hula Hank. You should have seen the photos before I ate the banana that was in my pocket.

Thank you for the wonderful lemon recipe ideas. Here is the problem; most recipes only call for the zest of one lemon or 1 tablespoon of lemon juice. As I sit here and write this, I have 327 lemons sitting on my kitchen counter.

Maybe I just need to get over it and move on.

I did find an article in the LA Times of 101 things to do with lemons. It was quite informative. Did you know that using a lemon instead of a ball to play fetch with your dog, will freshen their breath?

I got it! Switch mayo with lemon butter, the sound might be more similar than thickened cream.

Dear JLO,

Where the hell are you?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I asked and you voted.

The post you most wanted to see was "Goodbye Winter, Hello Spring - A Photo Essay on the Seasonal Changes at The Farm"... or something.

Technically it was a tie between this and My Day as a Hot Dog, but I thought I would torture Pumpkin Delight by doing that one after this.

When we moved to the Hills I was unaware that it is actually a few degrees colder up here than down on the flats. I was thrilled about this as I do so enjoy cold weather (oh how I wish there was a dry sarcasm font).

After many blizzards with knee deep snow and Medusa-like arctic gusts which immediately froze one in their spot, I vowed that I never wanted to experience any weather colder than 70 degrees.

So you are telling me that it is colder up here by at least 5 degrees Celsius (which is like 100 degrees in Fahrenheit), frosts, has heavy fog and rains more?

... and hails???

With the winter comes the rains. Perth get absolutely no rain between November and April. However when it rains in the winter, it is heavy.

These heavy rains fill up the dry creek beds and life springs up in otherwise barren land.

Do you see those green plants on the side of the winter creek?

They are called Death Lilies. Another common name is Arum Lily and Canna Lily. Technically, they are a declared weed in Western Australia, however I consider them cut flowers free from the wild.

Every weekend I grab my secateurs, put on my wellies and head into the depths of the creek to cut a few vase full of these flowers.

In case you don't believe I really do go wading in creek here is the proof:

Actually, one of my favourite activities this winter was playing in the creek. Hey don't Tiger snakes love the water and marshy areas like the winter creek?

Why yes, they do. However they hibernate in the winter so it is safe. However now that it is warming up, the snakes will start to come out of hibernation, full of venom, grumpy and desperate for a feed.

Stuart says that my wellies would be enough protection from snake bites. I am not so sure. I asked a country friend of mine if this is true and she took a long pause, pulled in her face and said, "Well, it would definitely help."

So I may just let enjoying the lilies from afar for the rest of the season.

Good thing the lemon tree is bursting with about ten million lemons.

So far I have made many jars of preserved lemons, many many jars of limoncello and have four thousand cubes of frozen lemon juice. The kicker is, there are still nine million lemons left on the tree.

Any one have any good recipes for lemons??

The roses are all pruned sticks in the ground, the maples are barren skeletons lining the driveway and the flame tree has been extinguished. However in all of this barren forest the azaleas took the opportunity to put on a spectacular show.

It's an old lady pink, but still stunning.

However the show stopper of the spring was when the plum trees decided to turn from dark silhouettes into rows of graceful white blossoms.