Friday, December 11, 2009


Tonight we all went to watch Courtney's high school dance class perform little dance ditties (with a 'D', Mr Show) on stage.

We watched as young Australian high school girls krumped, popped, puppeted, Bollywooded and jazz handed around the dancefloor. A new style was even created that was a combination of hip-hop, puppetry, jazz and.... calisthenics.

One girl did a modern dance solo. She pushed herself out on a wheelchair, fell to the floor and rolled around a bit until her "inner desires" willed her to use her legs and do a few jumps.

It started at 7pm and ended around the year 2054.

Courtney was excellent in the peice that closed the show. It was a group dance to Beyonce's 'Single Ladies'. Her long blonde hair was flowing freely as she gave attitude and demanded that we put a ring on it.

Overall rating: 83% less slutty than the Mid-year High School Dance Recital.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


It is 12.30 in the morning and I am baking a pie.

Strawberry rhubarb pie. Not just any strawberry rhubarb pie, but Cindy Crawford's very own recipe.

I must admit that I was exceptionally inspired earlier in the evening to bake this fabulous pie, but then I had a few Hard Lemonades and well, I am am just lucky to still be coherent enough to type this post.

For about an hour I just stared at the kitchen counter as I lounged out on the couch.

What kept me from baking the pie was not so much the cutting of the strawberries or the slicing of the rhubarb, but rolling out that bloody dough!

I hate pie dough. I hate when it falls apart, and when there isn't enough flour on the counter and it adheres there for days or when it appears as an almost perfect circle except when you put it in the pie pan there is one spot that just doesn't quite make it to the edge...

Who needs the stress?

As I started to think about it, the angrier I became.

Was I really defeated by a pie recipe from Cindy Crawford? I mean... Cindy Crawford?

What has my life become if I can out do The Mole in pie baking?

So I did it. I am listening to jazz and baking a pie.

I was even feeling so competitive with Cindy bloomin Crawford that I decided to do my pie top as latticing!

That's right! Top that, Cindy.

Well, actually, it shouldn't be too hard since I could not see straight enough to cut the strips into even remotely reasonably even peices. My pie latticing looked like arts and crafts hour at the methodone clinic.

Latticing scrapped.

So I know what you are thinking, How can I top the bitch now?

Ha! I use the normal pie crust top, but with cut-out hearts scattered on it. Only I don't have a heart shape cutter, so I improvised with my knife by cutting the best little heart shapes I could muster.

So here I am happy in homoland decorating a pie thinking "A heart here, and one over here and another one here and wait a minute, these do not look like hearts.. they look like... OH MY GOD!"

Hearts scrapped.

So what I am left with is a pie that appears just as called for in Cindy's recipe.

But can Cindy say she used strawberries and rhubarb freshly picked from her garden?

No I am sure she cannot... and neither can I.

Outfoxed again by Cindy Crawford.