HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS...

...And the heart of the home is in the kitchen.

Stuart and I were lucky enough to have a 4 day weekend this past week and got another brilliant idea to do a quick makeover on the house.

We got as far as the kitchen.

Here is the before... However BEFORE I begin, this whole makeover thing reminds of that talk show Jenny Jones... Remember that one. I think every show she did was a makeover or then and now show... things like "I Went From Geek to Chic"

It was always something like a scrawny geek from high school who is all hot now brought on one of their old high school mates that turned them down for a date or made fun of them.

Anyway, before the introduced the former geek, they showed pictures of them in high school and the whole audience would yell things like "Ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!" and wave their hands in disgust.

So when I show you these BEFORE photos, I want you to shout out "EWWWWWWWW!!!" when you look at them.





Did you do it???

OK now in the grand tradition of Jenny Jones, when you see the after photos, you need to whoop and holler and give a grand applause.

Ready?

MOONLIGHT MADNESS

Soon after the previous boo-hoo-poor-me post I wrote, I was offered several jobs in a week.

I interviewed for this one job that was VERY interesting, however the guy didn't really seem very keen however he did ask for references, so I thought, well, I actually didn't think anything. I was already numb to the whole tedious process at that stage.

Then I got a call from a company that, at this stage, have kept me waiting for 6 weeks for a second interview. They did their weekly ring to see if I was still interested and available, to which they ended by saying that it will probably be another week before they can arrange the Director to be in town. Did I mention they said the same thing every other week they rang?

Later that morning I got a call from a company who I interviewed for on the previous day and they offered me a position. It was not a fantastic position, it was a step back in my line of work, but it was an immediate start.

I weighed up the options. I didn't think that Job #1 was really interested, Job #2 was the perfect job and the highest salary of the three but come on!!!! Six weeks!!! So I took what was behind Job Door #3... you know, as an interim position.

It was Friday afternoon, so I rang them back to accept the offer, when they told me that I needed to be in Sydney on Monday morning for a 10 day orientation.

I scrambled to pack 10 days worth of clothes for business, 10 days worth of evening clothes and 10 days worth of casual clothes and caught the Red-eye flight leaving Perth at 11:55pm Sunday and arriving in Sydney at 5:30 in the morning Monday. (It is only a 4 hour flight, so getting full sleep on the plane is not an option, however not complaining)

The first day of orientation was great, as it always is. Then went slightly downhill on Tuesday, and continued to decline from there. The job was not turning out to be what I signed on for. Sure it had some resemblance to the one I interviewed for and discussed in length with the employers about before accepting the position, however it was turning out to be like a drag queen taking off her make-up. Slowly the porcelain painted face washed aways to reveal a 5 o'clock shadow.

You know what I mean?

On the Thursday, I got a call and was offered Job #1. You know, the one that I liked but didn't think the guy was very interested.

I was over a friend's house that night and I relaying the story of this nightmare job and this new offer and it MIGHT have been the pitcher of Pimm's, 4 martinis, 2 glasses of wine and the espresso martini, however we came up with a plan of escape.

We snuck into my hotel, threw everything into my suitcase and crept through the halls, hiding if we heard the elevator or a voice. This hotel was old fashioned and I still had to check out at the desk, so we scanned the room for people and when it was safe I went to check out as they snuck my very large suitcase out of the side doors which were out of view and hailed a cab.

Once checked out I ran out the doors and we all dove into the cab as quickly as we could and sped off over the Harbour Bridge to freedom!

I didn't have internet access so Stuart who booked my flight back home that Saturday, who as the week went on, could sense something of this nature was going to happen.

I sent the company a quick resignation email and couriered back the phone, laptop, etc the next morning.

I almost forgot the best part! In the middle of all of this, I got a call from that slow motion company who kept me waiting at this point almost 7 weeks, to tell me that they have decided to offer me the position without a second interview. It may have been the drinks or it may have been the full moon but I really enjoyed telling them that they snoozed and they losed.

YOU WANT ME TO MOVE WHERE??

So know that we all know that I am an unemployed loser who can't find a job, let's move on to the next topic.

I don't really know what sparked this dream, however one day Stuart came home from work and was insistent that we sell our houses here and take that money and go live in the US.

So after doing preliminary calculations of how much we will make on the sales, and researching what we can get for that money in different cities in the US and then comparing it to what we can get here for the same amount, I was convinced that it was a great idea! Move to the US, live in a nice house and be mortgage free!!!!

The list of cities I looked into was: LA, San Francisco, San Diego, New Orleans, Miami, St Petersburg (FL), Hamptons, Stamford, Columbus, Aspen, Denver, Philadelphia, Asheville and Chicago... there may have been more.

The city that offered the nicest house for the money was the city that I grew up in... Cleveland.

Then the reality of returning to a place that I left the minute I finished school many years ago began to set in.

The blizzards, shovelling snow, the politics, the red necks, the high unemployment, the whole "been there, done that" thing.

On the other hand, there are hosting Thanksgiving dinners for my family, an afternoon at the fantastic art museum with friends, popping down to the local bar for an evening martini, Chicago & NYC are one hour flights away making easy weekend getaways.

But first things first, Stuart needs to get a visa... which is a confusing process without much help from the Embassies, Consulates or Homeland Security.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

There has been a lot going on these past few months. I don't mean the cocktail parties, opening nights at the opera and travels to Africa sort of way. I mean things that require my attention to be in other places or else the entire universe of my existence would be sucked into a cosmic black hole and implode... or re-appear in caveman times.

I have been a bit apprehensive about publishing this for privacy sake, however besides the fact that my photos are every where on this blog, I have mentioned where I worked, where I live and all my personal details I am pretty sure that my blog is anonymous.

You may be aware that there is this whole Global Financial Crisis thing going on. Apparently, Australia is the only country in the world that did not go into recession and has in fact maintained, if you believe the politicians, a boom economy.

The problem is that my clients and target market were the old pensioners who were living on dividends from overseas stock. To make a long story short, the stocks crashed, they stopped buying what I was selling and I am now unemployed.

The bottom line is that there were some fatal flaws in the COGs & RRP which were contractually set before I took the helm, wearing 15 different hats spread my focus too thin, a rapidly growing mutual hatred between my boss and I dampened the work environment, plus I am not really to blame for the GFC and the toll it would take on millions, if not billions of people's investments & retirement plans(It was all Fabulous Fab's fault!) .

As a closing line in his farewell speech to me, my now former boss said, "I hope you're successful in your next job." Which doesn't look so bad in print, but believe me when I tell you it was said in a way which made me want to throw a drink in his face.

I had great achievements. I made record revenue in my first year, developed a commercial website which enjoyed tremendous success in Australia, created an award winning ad campaign, introduced large corporate relationships and I better stop before this post starts to look like my resume.

Despite these SUCCESSES I feel like a failure.

I read a quote that put things in perspective, "Life is not about worrying about the storm, but learning how to dance in the rain." (Unfortunately, this philosophy tends to lead people to think that one doesn't care about the problem at hand.)

I tried to live this philosophy and smiled as I had my 42nd interview, competed a la reality TV game show for a position, gone through 7 rounds of interviewing for a lesser position and waiting 5 weeks for a second interview with a company that is "really keen to have me on board."

On the outside I am dancing and on the inside I am raining. Fake it till you make it, right?

UPDATE

VANISHED

Hmmmmm... absolutely no posts written by me in the month of March.

Shameful.

I do have a good reason... three good reasons actually.

1. My Mom came out to visit for the entire month of March. I initially thought that I would have time to laze around and write a new post everyday, but alas, we were having such a good time that I rarely even got on the computer.

2. I have been working on something which cannot be announced publically until I announce it publically, which is not now.

AND....

3. I died. I turned another year older in March and as I am reminded by the kids in the mall who, as they check out other kids in the mall, vacantly bump into and walk through me without noticing that they bumped into or walked through someone... I am too old to exist.

Pictures soon, but of course I will only appear as a glowing white blur.

TOP THAT, JANET (MISS JACKSON IF YOU'RE NASTY)

Today let's talk wardrobe malfunctions.

We all have them, at least I need to believe that we all have them... Malfunctions that would make one run away in shame and not appear in public again for the next three years.

This afternoon I was setting up a marketing display as a favour and in the middle of this crowded room, I squatted down and my heard this gigantic "RRRRRRRIPPPP!"

The seams in the entire seat of my pants had torn wide open!

I will let you in on a little secret, it is casual Friday. Even though I was wearing a suit, I thought I would be a little "free & easy" underneath, if you catch my drift... or should I say "draft"?

I jumped with my back to the nearest wall and slinked out of the room, and straight to my car, sped all the way home.

I was so depressed I ate an entire cake.

Tell me about your wardrobe malfunction?

SO THAT'S WHY THE COFFEE TASTED SO GOOD

A couple months ago, I broke the coffee machine at work... again.

I was showing off to a group of people on how to make a proper cappuccino when suddenly the machine blew up and went dead!

So I did the only thing I could think of, I ran away and pretended as if I didn't do it.

The machine was sent over to Sydney for repair and the diagnosis came back on Tuesday... it exploded because (cover your eyes if you are squeamish) cockroaches shorted out the circuit board.

This news should have came as a surprise however last year there was a mysterious odour smothering the kitchen. Something was dead.

A search committee was formed and they scoured every inch of the kitchen looking for the source, with no results.

A second, more scent sensitive search committee was formed and they located the vile odour was coming from the microwave. There was no food inside of the microwave and it only been cleaned that morning.

The search committee unscrewed the back of the microwave and found (cover your eyes if you are squeamish) a dead rat.

I am just waiting for a snake to come up through the toilet.

PS - You may have noticed that earlier I stated this was the second time I broke the coffee machine. The first was actually a hilarious episode that ensued in a witch hunt. I still save the copy of the email that went around telling off the person who did it. I will share that with you later, as in after I leave the company.

A QUICK TUTORIAL

I received an email from the service with whom my comments were previously provided informing me that that they were shutting down and I had about a week to transfer over to a new service.

Of course I forgot and left it for about 3,000 weeks.

The other day I finally got around to doing so, only I was in a rush and it was hot, so I just used the now defunct service's new service.

The new service is very different and seems a bit complicated, however some of the features seem to be a little bit better.

Tonight I actually tried it out for myself to see if and how it works, so here how it goes:

Click on "Comments"

A new window will open.

There is a entry titled "FROM" Here you can either simply type your name, or click on the arrow and sign in to your blog (or twitter, or yahoo, or whatever) account.

After that just type in your comment.

You may also add a YouTube video or images.

Another cool feature is that you can also reply to someone else's comment. If you want to be notified if anyone comments on your comment, at the bottom of the window you will see a drop down box titled "FOLLOW"

Click on this and choose the method you desire to be notified of your comment's comments and even your comment's comment's comments.

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED

I need to break out of my self-induced blogging reclusivity (is that a real word?) so I thought that this little meme going around would be a great way to start.

Do you get regular massages?
- No, I only like to be touched in a specific way.

Do you have an answering machine?
- Yes

What cuss word do you use the most?
- Fudge.

Are you underweight or overweight?
- I don't know, I get confused with the whole pound/stone/kilogram thing and just give up.

Can you see your veins?
- Yes you can, but not in the gross transparent skin sort of way.

Favorite…

Soap?
- I like soap. I think soap is good, but I don't have a favourite soap. I like to wash my hands with liquid soap. I like to use gardenia & black geranium scented laundry soap. As long as the soap has nice slip factor, you now, not dried out but not too slippery.

Fruit?
Peaches.

Kind of red meat?
- A steak of some kind, I cannot recall my favourite cut although I can say it is definitely NOT flap.

Fish?
- A nice thick salmon steak...


Candy bar?
- Butterfingers.


Have You Ever…

Eaten a whole bag of potato chips?
- Yes. Who hasn't? Those who say that they haven't are lying.

Eaten lobster?
- Yes. I much prefer a good crab.

Climbed a mountain?
- No. Who has? Those who say that they have are lying.

Been skydiving?
- Absolutely not. I have an insane fear of falling from high places. I don't fear the high places, in fact I love them, I just have a fear of falling off them. I think I might have been pushed off a cliff in a previous life.

Been water skiing?
- I'm not into watersports.

Do You…

Wish you could change something about your life?
- I wish I was one of those people who can handle the juggling of a full life. I also wish that when I get a "mood swing" it wasn't the boring "I don't feel like waking up" type of depression. I wish it was the other kind that makes people go dancing naked in their front yard.

Like your nose?
- Yes.

Like salt and vinegar chips?
- Yes, but sometimes that salt and vinegar combo can make my tongue hurt.

Eat salsa?
- Yes.

Own a boat?
- No. I cannot think of anything worse, than being trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean where everything smells like fish and sharks linger.

What Is…

A small thing that people let slide but that actually has dire consequences?
- Not saying what we want when we want it. Often it leads to resentment.

Your most macho trait?
- I lop trees, grout tiles & build paddock fencing... for fun!

The longest relationship you’ve ever had?
- I don't remember. Plus start dates of gay relationships can be a bone of contention. Is it the day you met? The first time you had "relations"? When you moved in together? (Often all of those are the same day)

Your most embarrassing thoughts?
- I don't have embarrassing thoughts. Thoughts aren't embarrassing. Expressing the thoughts can be embarrassing, but not the thoughts.

Your most shameful moment?
See the one about the longest relationship

This/That…

Bath/Shower?
- Shower

Markers/Crayons?
-Markers

Pens/Pencils?
-Pens

Jelly/Cream Cheese?
-Cream Cheese.

Bagel/Toast?
- BAGEL!

Finish…

My greatest weakness is…
- having no self control when it comes to indulgences.

Three things I wouldn’t do for a million dollars are…
- commit murder, stab my eyes with hot poker, tattoo my testicles, jump into a pool filled with broken glass and rusty nails... oh wait, that is four... I guess I remove "tattoo my testicles"

The oddest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth is…
- Those small round jelly candies which are coated in sugar and feel like a tongue.

Firsts…

Credit card you had?
- American Express

Loan you got was for?
- Car

Paycheck was for how much?
- Well, I made $3.75 an hour and I worked about 20 hours a week... multiplied by 2... so $150.00... minus federal taxes, state taxes & social security.. so nett probably like $110 dollars.

Time you had stitches?
- When I had lung surgery, 12 years ago.

Time you went to the hospital for something?
- My birth

Lasts…

List everything you ate in the last 24 hours?
- Cheese sandwich
- Plums
- Jalapeno poppers
- Spanish tasting plate
- Cheesecake
- Plums

Last thing you used a credit card for?
- Manhattan and a Midori & Lemonade

WHO'S STUPID IDEA WAS THIS ANYWAY?

As a Christmas gift I am flying my Mom out to Australia to stay for a few weeks. When I told her over the phone on Christmas day, I said that she could come out next or next year or she can came out when the plums are ready for picking.

She is officially coming out in March, which is a few weeks after the plums will be picked. Did she time that perfectly or what?

Well, as excited as we are to have her out, it has forced us to 'pull our fingers out' (as they say down here) and finally finish off the projects that we started almost a year ago, but were waiting to finish when the rains stopped. When the rains stopped, we decided to wait until it wasn't so hot.

It is still hot, but now we are under deadline and have been racing around getting everything done.

Last weekend I planted the summer annuals in the few garden beds that were bare, again pruned over 70 maple trees that hang over the driveway, potted up hanging baskets, summer pruned the roses, pulled more weeds.

Stuart fixed all of the retic, bought the extra bits of furniture that we needed and power hosed all of the dirt and redback spider webs off of the veranda.

Then one night before I went to bed, I decided to watch Under the Tuscan Sun. Stuart dreads it when I watch this movie because the next day I always drag him to the home depot type store so that we can renovate something.

This time I wanted to renovate the Cottage. The kitchen in the Cottage, which was all 70s tans, creams and browns, needed updating.

We were planning on renting it out as a holiday stay, so we needed to do it anyhow, just not this week.

So we decided on the colour scheme: black and white.

Rushed off to the homewares store and came back with a bootfull of tiles, grout, paint and E.S.P.

As we started to finish the cottage kitchen, the cottage bathroom (which is off the cottage kitchen) started to look weary so we renovated the cottage bathroom as well.

Then as the cottage bathroom was nearing completion, we realised we had to do something with the main cottage bedroom... which is at the opposite end to the cottage kitchen and the cottage bathroom, but had no furniture except a single bed.

So we rushed out to the furniture store and bought a new bedroom suite for our bedroom and put our old one in the cottage main bedroom.

Now that the cottage main bedroom is done, cottage smaller bedroom is looking a bit like a junk room.

Actually cottage smaller bedroom is a junk room, filled with photos and suitcases and half inflated inflatable punching bag and whatever else we don't want anymore, but don't want to throw away.

I can't bring myself to clean up that junk right now, so we will just keep the door closed and tell people it is where we keep Grandma.

Photos will be posted later on this week, fingers crossed, however plum season is about to begin and we have a newly renovated cottage.... any takers????

Still on the to do list... finish the paddock fencing, paint the main house and pick plums.

STOP! THIEF!

So this interesting statistic came out this past week.

One out of every ten people in Sydney admitted to stealing their co-workers lunch.

I don't live in Sydney, so my lunch is safe. My city just so happens to have the highest rate of people who eat lunch at their desk. As I read this "lunchtime" article (at my desk eating my lunch) I looked aross to those in my line of vision and my assistant was eating lunch at her desk and my boss was eating lunch at his desk.

Maybe this is why we have a low rate of theft? We keep them in the filing cabinet and gaurd them with our lives.

I have never been into stealing other's food, however I did once have a friend who ate any yoghurt in the office fridge that was not eaten by the time it had reached its expiry date.

So what I would like to know is, are you a lunchbox thief?

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DECADE

Today marks the first day of a new decade... although I am not entirely sure if that is true or not. I thought a decade was 10 years and unless I am counting wrong the years 2000 - 2009 only adds up to nine.

Whatever, if Entertainment Tonight has nostalgic specials on 'The Messiest Celebrity Divorces of the Decade' then obviously the decade is over. Who am I to argue with Mary Hart?

I was just reading over on Mom #1's blog and she reminded me of the how, on New Year's Eve when we were just about to enter the decade past, we all thought that he world was going to blow up at the stroke of midnight.

Yes, that was a fun night. The danger that we could be dead when the ball dropped just made us all drink more and dance harder. Then when we realised that we didn't die, we drank even more and danced even harder.

It was the year 2000, and we survived and what a beautiful world it would be. There was going to be spandex jackets, one for everyone.

Did you get yours?