Tuesday, January 20, 2009


This is so ridiculous, here is it 11:00pm and I still waiting for the bloomin' Inauguration.

Why is this so ridiculous? It is not really, except I have an 8:30 am meeting to discuss a 75-page business plan I wrote over the course of the past few weeks. Who does things like that at 8:30 in the morning when the Inauguration is on all night long?

Seriously I am so totally going to quit. It doesn't matter anyway because I am interviewing for a fantastic new position working for The Queen. That's right, THE Queen, as Royal Dog Trainer.

Why did I get offered an interview for this specific position? I don't know... and I am working serious overtime to avoid making any doggy-style jokes here.

In order to be considered further for this, a-hem, position, I had to have an interview with HRH Phrump. I took my stenographer with me so I could have a record of this meeting. I think it went well.

The Queen asks: Hank, the most important question we have for you today is, Can you teach Gracie to Hula?

HH: Your Royal Highness, I am truly humbled in your presence.

The Queen: (blank stare)

HH: Any creature can learn to Hula, the only difficulty will be in finding a coconut bra and grass skirt small enough to fit a dog.

I assume that you already have a Royal Ukulele Player?

The Queen: (blank stare)

HH: (blank stare)

The Queen: When Gracie pees on the Dining Room rug, what will your course of action be?

HH: What rug? What pee? Who's Gracie? Can I make you a Royal martini?

The Queen: (blank stare)

HH: Don't worry, Queenie, I won't use the good stuff you save for company. Do you have any olive brine? I like it dirty!

The Queen: (blank stare)

HH: No? That's OK I carry my own brine for just these emergencies.

The Queen: Because Gracie is...

HH: Just a sec, Honey Q, I can't hear you over the cocktail shaker. OK, that's better. What were you saying now?

The Queen: Because Gracie is not “food motivated” what kinds of rewards will you be using?

HH: Maybe puppy wuppy is motivated by martinis. I know that martini motivate me, and Queenie, I am very motivated! I see you giving me that look... So you disapprove of starting her out on hard liquor. Maybe you are right. Ha! Ha! Of course you are right, you are THE QUEEN!! Can I try on your tiara?

The Queen: What is your philosophy on pet “cobedding?”

HH: Wooooo hooooooo!!!!! Wait... What?

The Queen: Do you actually feel qualified to take on such an enormous responsibility?

HH: Oh honey, I have had much bigger martinis than this one.

The Queen: (blank stare)

HH: Oh look! You have a dog!

I think I have this one in the bag. Fingers crossed.

No comments: