Monday, January 12, 2009


During a session of martinis (for me ), several days, an entire ocean and breadth of a drought-ridden continent between us, The Jason Show and I (and the rest of the blogosphere) sat down for a probing session of Q & A.

Jason: Are you a gassy fella?

Hula Hank: No, I do not have offensive emissions.

Except for once a day when, for five minutes straight, all of the build-up comes trumpeting out with the force of Old Faithful.

This is usually done when I am in total isolation and is usually followed by the kids choosing that precise moment afterwards to come into the room to give me a hug, only to immediately run out tell everyone in the house what happened.

Jason: Describe the time when you came to the realization that you were gay?

Hula Hank: Probably when I was 10 or 11 and couldn't get the thought of a naked Mr Brady and his three sons out of my head.

In saying that, I don't believe when I was that young I ever thought about it in the clinical terms of "sexual orientation." I only know that those are the fantasies and feelings I had and there was no connotation of it being right or wrong, gay or straight.

It was not until about 13 when the environment around me started to fill with the idea that it was wrong or un-natural.

When I was 13, in the eighth grade I didn't want to go to a school dance with a certain girl and so she told everyone that I was gay.

From that day I was greeted in the hall with "Fag" "Homo" "Cocksucker" The verbal assault I could block out, the physical attacks were more difficult to ignore.

One day I had a total meltdown and after a particular harrowing attack, broke down in tears. I was promptly sent to the Vice Principal's office where I was informed that if people were calling me a Fag, I must have done something to make them do so.

Thus began a feeling of intense isolation. Over the next year I began to realise that I am not the same as everyone else, nor could I truly relate to anyone else around me, or be honest about my crushes, my thoughts, my feelings... My Self really.

By the time I reached high school, the closer the connection between my fantasies and sexuality became until they were joined and the lightbulb flashed over my head and the epiphany arose "Oh! I am gay."

Around 15, life outside of school and I were introduced and began to get better acquainted. There are other people out here like me! And they hang out here and buy their muffins over there and have parades!!

Jason: How long is your...?

Hula Hank: ...Foot? A massive 12.5 inches long.

Jason: What makes you laugh really hard?

Hula Hank: A really witty punchline.

For instance, the line from Absolutely Fabulous: "The whole world is one big global shopping mall and you are the last one to still think there is an exit."

or from a Mae West film "Ten men at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired."

Oh, and the time when my sister and I, both grown adults, fly out to Montana for my dad's wedding and during the rehearsal, I had a disagreement with their preacher about lowering my head to a lit candle. Their preacher explained that this action acknowledged god's presence and I explained that I was not going to do that since I did not believe that god was present.

Needless to say the preacher threw me out of the church. My sister followed me out and we went on a walk. Fifteen minutes later we saw my dad's car driving up the street, so we turn and run and hide behind a tree so he wouldn't see us.

My sister and I both started to hysterically laugh at the naughtiness of it all and then at the ridiculousness of running away from your dad when you are an adult.

Jason: What makes you cry?

Hula Hank: Suddenly realising that the story I just told you is not really that funny after all.

When I tell you the first time my dad had spoken to either my sister or my self in over 4 years was when he rang to tell us he was getting married again. How my sister and I were the only two siblings to fly across the country in the hope that our dad would love us again and how when that didn't happen we ran away from him and hid. And how when we laughed we really wanted to cry.

Jason: Now for a bonus question.

Hula Hank: Oh like a box of Cracker Jacks.

Jason: What do you like/dislike about where you live?

Hula Hank: I must admit that after seven years of being in Australia, I love it less than when I first arrived. However, after growing up in constant blizzards, I like the year-round hot weather, I also like the landscape and uniqueness of the animals. I like that the bush is so rugged and primitive, that you can still get rained in, vanish, get eaten, or poisoned on your way to work.

Although most Australians would never admit to this, they live in small circles and are not welcoming to newcomers in those circles. Which, when you are a newcomer can be exceptionally tough and lonely. I also dislike the lack of culture and musical theatre. But what I dislike the most is the fact that they put butter on every sandwich, whether it adds to the flavour or not.

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