Think Pink!

One of my favourite musical numbers. Visually, it is not the most exciting, but the song is riotous! Not to mention full of good advice

I Have to Pee

On the Road Again... (12/50)

Oh my! That made me laugh, I will definitely have to use that title over and over again. Which leads me to a thought which is of no reference to this post. I was once asked if all gay guys listen or watch things repeatedly. The asker posed this question to me because in his experience of all the gay fellas he knew, listened to the same CD or watched the same movies over and over and over again.

I don't know the answer to that question. All I know is that I personally have watched Gypsy with Bette Midler about 2,000 times in the past week. I also listen to the CD "An Evening With... Bea Arthur" every single day as I drive to and from work.

I am making my grand come-back to the US (appearing for 4 weeks only) in September and we will be driving more of the country than I can even comprehend.

I am a huge fan of the Road Trip. I spent most of my childhood summers on cross country road trips... 5 family members crammed into a very used 1974 Chevy Shitheap... You can imagine the laughs.

This time around, the man and I will hire a gas guzzling, eco-unfriendly SUV to pollute the every National Park between San Franciso and New York. I can't wait!!!!

The first portion of the drive will be from San Francisco to Los Angeles, taking 2 days to casually drive down the coast and stop at all of the quaint coastal towns, such as Monterey, San Simeon and Solvang. The third city is just to gorge on pastries and get fat just in time to have a quick liposuction in LA.

From LA we will be continuing onward for a night in Las Vegas. I am thrilled. You can probably see how thrilled I am by the generous use of exclamation points.

From the Sin City to the Grand Canyon. Where the first thing I will do is jump over the cliff.

After the Canyon rescue, on wards to the Petrified Forest. Which I am not yet sure is exclamation point worthy.

From here, the details become a bit vague. Up through to Mesa Verde (skipping 4 Corners, because really, who care about laying on the ground and each limb in a different state?) and over to Colorado Springs to visit the devastating beautifully Garden of the Gods. I shall make a statement, that although I was born in Colorado Springs, I have no desire to spend any amount of time there. Can anyone convince me otherwise?

But if there is anyone from Colorado Springs, do you remember that song "We Love You Colorado Springs" given out as promotional 45s from a bank? I listened that song over and over and over again.

After I sing that song loudly from a cliff in Garden of the Gods, my man will proceed to jump off the aforementioned cliff... Then we will carry on to Denver.

After taking all that Denver has to offer we will head over to my kind of town... Chicago. "Hello, Prada! Here I come!!" "Hello, patty melt from the Melrose! Here I come!!!" "Hello, Liposuction Surgeon (again)! Here I come!!"

I should mention that, on the journey from Denver to Chicago, we will have the thrill of spending the night in Omaha. Omaha, of course, is well known for its wild night life and drag queens.

From Chicago it is back in the car and on to Cleveland, to see the sights such as... I am sure something will pop up.

Just when you thought the fun could never stop, we then head over to Niagara Falls, the honeymoon capital of the world. Where the man and I will hop into barrels and go over the falls... Canadian side, of course.

Hopefully the barrels will eventually float to Toronto, but I think that is in the opposite direction. I am not very good when it comes to Canadian geography. I have been to Canada on many occasions, and I know that everyone is very polite.

What is the old joke? "How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool? You say, "Can everyone please get out of the pool?"

It doesn't sound like I am terribly enthused about this road trip. I am... no, really.

It sure beats a road trip in Australia. You drive for 20 hours and see nothing except desert, old tin cans and dead kangaroos. Then you get kidnapped by that Wolf Creek guy and become a head on a stick.

Red Ribbon (11/50)

Don't forget to vote in the poll!!!

Which screen legend do you think I would be?

Again, the choices:

1. Jane Russell

2. Lauren Bacall

3. Elizabeth Taylor

4. Joan Crawford

5. Mae West

VOTE NOW!

Last But Not Least... (10/50)

Mae West, Sex Goddess, Original Fag Hag and accussed of being a man... and Queen of the One-Liners:

Woman: Goodness, what beatiful diamonds!

Mae West: Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.

"I have been on more laps than a napkin."— Mae West

"Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired." — Mae West

Man: Are you in town for good?

Mae West: I expect to be here, but not for good.

Fourth (9/50)

What can I say about Joan Crawford? See Mommie Dearest (with Faye Dunaway as "Joan"). Next see Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.

Enough said.

Third Contestant (8/50)

And now, the living idol that is Elizabeth Taylor. Who doesn't want to be Elizabeth Taylor?

Black hair, violet eyes, unbelievable talent, married 8 times (twice to the same man), and she has some great jewellery.

Inspired by the death of good friend (and fellow legend) Rock Hudson, Elizabeth Taylor has raised over $50 million for HIV/AIDS research through her charity, Elizabeth Taylor Aids Foundation.

Gotta love that... plus she smells pretty.

Second Entry (7/50)

The incredible Lauren Bacall. She had all the good lines, and didn't need to play dumb to get them either.

Exceptionally intelligent, witty, glamourous, outspoken and all class. Lauren Bacall, has been in many of my favourite films such as How to Marry a Millionaire and To Have and Have Not (classic line: "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?...")

Lauren Bacall is a die-hard liberal Democrat and not afraid to make her opinions known.

Oh yes! She also married to Humphrey Bogart!

Who Would I Be...? (6/50)

Last night I was watching Gentlemen Prefer Blondes a classic movie featuring Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell. Well, this Gentleman was entrance by the brunette (Jane Russell). What an amazing singing voice she had, not to mention the ability to work those curves.

At one point in the movie, she is surrounded by a dancing, and mostly naked, male Olympic team. She sings, very convincingly, a song entitled, "Ain't There Anyone Here for Love?" whilst these dancing mostly naked men bob their well shaped bums in the air (completely ignoring Miss Russell, I might add). I have never seen anything more fabulously gay.

This all got me to thinking, if I was an Old Hollywood actress, which one would I be. I thought because of Miss Russell's dark hair and curvy figure, I would be her.

Upon further research, despite the physical side of things, I am very NOT Jane Russell, who is a born again christian and staunch republican.

So what other Hollywood Glamazon is my list? And which one of these Legendary Ladies would I have been? You decide!

1. Jane Russell

2. Lauren Bacall

3. Elizabeth Taylor

4. Joan Crawford

5. Mae West

I will write a little blog about each of them, and YOU tell ME which ONE I would BE using the poll just over there =======>

I Was Born Too Soon and Started Too Late! (5/50)

I had a very rough weekend. I will say no more, except that I am still on track with my 50-100-50 minus 100.

On Sunday, I watched the Bette Midler version of "Gypsy" for about the 100th time. Yes 100 times. If you think that is sick, I wanted to watch it again on Monday and I am thinking that I may put it on later tonight.

Bette Midler is so fantastic at in this role, the part of Mama Rose was made for her. (Ethel Who?)

I also read this weekend that the movie version of the musical version of Sunset Boulevard is getting closer to turning into reality.

Whilst I am not for Andrew Lloyd Weber, I am all for the making of more quality movie musicals. We have had a good run with Chicago, Dreamgirls, Hairspray and Sweeney Todd (although I have yet to see that one.) and I hope that Hollywood doesn't start to fuck up the renewed interest in this genre.

In relations to Sunset Boulevard, the names being tossed around for the role of Norma Desmond are Glenn Close (who won the Tony for this role) and Barbra Streisand. Whilst I loves me some Babs, I just can't see her as Norma Desmond.

I hope they scrap both of them and go for Bette Midler. She was born to be Norma Desmond! Sometimes I get the feeling that Bette even wishes that she was as Norma Desmond!

As I will not be jet-setting off to Las Vegas to see Ms Midler in her larger than life concert, my only consolation is her appearance in the soon to be released re-make of the The Women. That was not a link, I used the font colour of "Jungle Red".

And Now for Something Completely Ridiculous (4/50)

Once again, something cool I am stealing from another blog The Jason Show

In Google, type in a phrase beginning with your name. In this case "Hula Hank likes", then take note of the first 10 site contents that come up beginning with the phrase "Hula Hank likes". Or at least I think that is how it works. If that is not how it works, then that is how it works now. How are the control issues coming along, you ask?

HULA HANK LIKES...

... to hump.

... to crawl around on the floor and pop anything into his mouth. (I wonder if this is related to number 1)

... to become one with is inner Joe Jackson from time to time. (Who doesn't?)

... to tinker. (See number 1 and 2)

... the Yellow Tail logo so much he's considering a tattoo of it. (cool logo, crap wine)

... go everywhere his daddy goes. (My heart belongs to daddy)

... to cook, laugh and have fun, but also has bad visions and is afraid of horses.

... cake. (Cake! Definitely cake! I love cake!)

... to write and runs a search engine in the outdoor industry. (I don't know what the fuck that means)

... to go to the dog park with Tanner and I. (Everyone loves going to he dog park with Tanner!)

And a pinch to grow an inch:

... to roll around naked in the sand.

Control Issues Continued (3/50)

Let’s continue with “Handling the Need to Control”

Moving on to the next checklist entitled “Control Mechanisms: A Self Assessment”

Pencils out. Eyes down. Begin.

X 1. You act helpless, incompetent or lost.
X 14. You play up on their guilt and over responsible nature to get what you want.
X 16. You fall apart when faced with having to do something which you would rather not do
X17. You play up to a person who has a need to fix things that have gotten so “out of control” for you.

Again, according to the note at the bottom of the checklist, if you have checked more that 3 items, you over use control mechanisms to get people to do what you could do for yourself.

So what have I learned by this exercise, besides the fact that the people at coping.org have a wild tendency to overuse commas? I ignore any task that I do not want to complete and then play the dumb blonde so others can take pity and do it for me.

Is feigning incompetence or stupidity really an attractive trait in a person? I most certainly wouldn’t put up with that act from anyone. Do I have zero patience for this routine because I know from experience that it is a routine?

I also use guilt for manipulative purposes. Is that so bad? I figure if the other party has done something to feel guilty, then they probably need to do the required task to make up for whatever is they feel guilty about.

See? Everyone wins!

Nobody Likes Long Posts (2/50)

Control Issues Part Two. Nobody likes to read long blog posts. Just think of this as Oprah and then "Oprah: After the Show".

On the internet there is tons of information on Control Issues and Being Controlled. One of these sites is uber-annoying (because he is always right) Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil takes a very black & white approach by stating that you need to evaluate the "costs" of the situation and if it is costing you your identity, dreams or dignity then the cost is too high.

On ya Dr. Phil! But for us folks where life isn't so cut and dry, I found this site here: http://www.coping.org/control/need.htm

This site has checklists! There is nothing better than checklists in diagnosing seriously psychological issues! So, in the spirit of Dr Phil, let's get real and do this check list together and see how many people who read Hula Hank have control issues (and I know who the one reader is so no cheating).

The first checklist is: "Need to Control: A Self Assessment" Are your pencils ready?

My answers:

X 3. You hate to be out of control or to lose your control

X 6. You hate to have peopl see your true feelings especially if they are angry, unpleasant or negative.

X 8. You are afraid of being manipulated or led into doing something you really don't want to do.

X 11. You have an image, dream or ideal of the way things are supposed to be and you work at trying to get it to be that way. (Is this a bad thing?"

The note at the bottom says If you have checked 3 or more, you have a tendency to overcontrol the people, places and things in your life.

I checked 4. I have the need to control.

What were your results?

The Inaugural Ball (1/50)

This is it! My inaugural post for the 50-100-50 (minus the 100) challenge I place upon myself. For those of you who asking themselves what the hell the 50-50 challenge is, and are too lazy to scroll down the page to find out: The 50-100-50 challenge is the challenge to write 50 100 word posts in 50 days.

I have altered this slightly to get rid of the 100 word rule and I am ever so glad I did that. I couldn't work under such strict circumstances!

Now on with the show. For my first post in the challenge I would like to discuss Control Issues. Yes I see the irony in discussing control issues after I changed the rules of challenge. I also see the irony in discussing control issues whilst listening to Barbra Streisand.

At the moment, I feel as if I am being controlled (or as I like to call it "emotionally blackmailed"), and it is causes serious life issues (meaning, if the attempts to be controlled are not, well, controlled, then someone is going to die). I know that I have issues with being controlled (or the perception thereof) and I wondered if that is actually a "Control Issue".

Needless to say, I have never felt that I was controlling. I have had my "Miranda" (Devil Wears Prada) moments when trying to create a vision (ie performance, event, branding, etc) and I am quite stubborn and demanding in getting this accomplished. In my view, that is what I was hired for, and the outcome is representative of my reputation.

Bad outcome = Bad reputation = No work!

Teensy Weensy Amendment

I have decided to not participate in the 50-100-50 challenge... sort of. Trying to keep it to precisely 100 words as counting and preciseness is far out of the boundaries which my mind can process, so I am scrapping the "100".

The promise I do make to you is that I will post 50 posts in 50 days... and I promise that I definitely did have my fingers crossed whilst making the previous promise.