This weekend is a long 3-day holiday weekend... I am not sure what the holiday is and neither do I care.
I have been horribly absent in mid-story... talk about a dramatic pause... however I have good reason.
We put the house we are living in on the market and it sold in 3 days, with a 3 week settlement date. Which means we have three weeks to buy the dream rural property or end up living in a tent at the local campsite (which is 100% anal probing free).
The upside is that since it is a long weekend, I may actually get some post under my belt (not that way, Pumpkin). I still need to finish my Where the Hell Are We posting (AKA least popular story ever!) which is technically already finished but in my quest for imperfect perfectionism still needs about 15 re-writes.
Also I have a hilarious story about how I accidentally stumbled across a co-workers text messages on his work mobile phone. It consists of shameful sexual innuendos and tacky curse word phrases so I am sure you are not interested, right?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
WHERE THE HELL ARE WE? PART TWO or HOW I AVOIDED ANAL PROBING BY OUTBACK ALIEN KANGAROOS
A sheer moment of bliss created by part red wine, part starry sky and part “cigarette” smoke that was wafting in my direction.
This ecstasy was disturbed by rustling in the bushes. In the pitch dark of the outback, this can only be one of two things… a crazy murderous mad man or a crazy murderous kangaroo.
The rustling got closer and distinctly non-human. Aliens?
I gulped down the rest of the wine in my glass, I figured that if I was going to be kidnapped and anally probed by aliens it was best to be drunk first.
The movement got closer and suddenly from right behind us the most unusual sound one could ever hear.
This sound.
As one of us (no names please) screamed for our lives, the brave strong Irish females grabbed the torch and shined it in the bushes, but could find no trace of animal, human or other.
By the end of the second bottle, the whole conversation turned ridiculously dramatic as we tried to explain to each other what made that noise. Eventually we agreed it was a jokester kangaroo wearing a sheep costume.
On that note, it was also agreed that it was time for sleep.
Good night, kangaroo-sheep. Good night, red earth. Good night, galaxy.
On the next edition of Where the Hell are We?"
"Good morning, sunshine. Good morning, flies. Good morning, flat tyre!"
This ecstasy was disturbed by rustling in the bushes. In the pitch dark of the outback, this can only be one of two things… a crazy murderous mad man or a crazy murderous kangaroo.
The rustling got closer and distinctly non-human. Aliens?
I gulped down the rest of the wine in my glass, I figured that if I was going to be kidnapped and anally probed by aliens it was best to be drunk first.
The movement got closer and suddenly from right behind us the most unusual sound one could ever hear.
This sound.
As one of us (no names please) screamed for our lives, the brave strong Irish females grabbed the torch and shined it in the bushes, but could find no trace of animal, human or other.
By the end of the second bottle, the whole conversation turned ridiculously dramatic as we tried to explain to each other what made that noise. Eventually we agreed it was a jokester kangaroo wearing a sheep costume.
On that note, it was also agreed that it was time for sleep.
Good night, kangaroo-sheep. Good night, red earth. Good night, galaxy.
On the next edition of Where the Hell are We?"
"Good morning, sunshine. Good morning, flies. Good morning, flat tyre!"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
WHERE THE HELL ARE WE? PT 1
I want to give everyone another Aussie geography lesson, this time on a place that is close to my heart, and old gold rush town of Cue in Western Australia. Cue used to be host to a very excellent arts festival, at which I had one of the most cherished times of my life, which is why I want you to know about it.
If there is one thing we learn in life is that it is not always about where you are going, but how you get there. So hop into the SUV with Susan and Clara, two of the grandest Irish imports one can travel with.
If there is one thing we learn in life is that it is not always about where you are going, but how you get there. So hop into the SUV with Susan and Clara, two of the grandest Irish imports one can travel with.
Cue is supposedly a 6 to 8 hour drive outside of Perth along the Great Northern Highway… unless of course, you take the wrong road when in a town called Wubin the highway suddenly forks into two unmarked options.
Option A, is on more of direct continuation with the road you are currently on and is beautifully paved, also like the road you are currently travelling on.
Option B jets off at a slightly awkward curve, and is more “rough” in appearance, as if to suggest a local thoroughfare and not a major northern highway.
One road takes you to your destination of Cue, the other road takes you to a town were hordes of 8 year olds mob your car while their parents are drinking in the pub.
Which one do you choose?
Option A, right?
So merrily we roll along Option A... for hours. It is starting to get dark, and we don’t seem anywhere near where we should be after driving for that amount of driving time.
What is that? You say, “Weren’t there any signs?” Well yes, but they all look like this:
Each regional town or shire is given an alpha code, the number below it is how many kilometers until you reach that town. Never having been out of the city, no one in the car knew which alpha codes belonged to which town.
Despite that fact that we are looking at the road map (thinking we are still travelling the Great Northern Highway) and comparing the town names on the map with those on the kilometer markers, and wondering to each other “Why didn’t they give the towns an abbreviation that matches the letters in the actual name?”
Running low on fuel, we finally reach a town that has a small grocery /craft /fish and chip /gift shop, a pub, and BP petrol station servo)… all open and bustling. Famished we decide to eat first and get fuel on the way out.
It was in this “restaurant” that we discovered the reason why the alpha codes did not match the towns on the map was because we were way off course… actually we were headed in the opposite direction.
Fortunately, the town we were in is the beginning of another road which will put us in the right direction without having to track-back. The downside was there are no towns or homes or any sign of civilization anywhere on this road, so we need to fuel up before heading off.
Only, on the way out of town, the previously bustling servo is now closed and locked up tight. No amount of desperate knocking brought it back to life.
Just as we were contemplating spending the night in the town, a large group of 8 year old kids appeared and started to harass anything that crossed their path. When the police pulled up, the kids swarmed the paddy wagon and started to rock it back to forth to tip it over.
Why is a bunch of 8 years old running around town after dark? Because all of the parents are getting plastered in the pub… on a Tuesday.
Deciding that we may actually have enough petrol to make it to the next town (which is an undetermined distance away and may or may not even have a petrol station) we head down the dark, and lonely road.
Of course as most of you may know, or should know, it is highly dangerous to drive on an outback road at night. Kangaroos, road trains and the sheer darkness can be deadly… plus, there is a bottle of wine in the back and it was calling our names.
We found the nearest clearway off the side of the road, pitched our tent and swag by the gleam of the headlights, made a small fire and popped the cork off the bottle of wine.
If you have never seen the night sky from the Australian outback, you are missing out on seeing the universe… literally. The middle of the Milky Way passes over this area of Western Australia.
Gazing into the galaxy while sitting on the red dirt makes one feel connected to universe and earth. In that euphoric moment there are no questions of why or how, only instinctive contentment and belonging.
ON THE NEXT EDITION OF “WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?”:
"This ecstasy was disturbed when there is some ruffling in the bushes. In the pitch dark of the outback, this can only be one of two things… a crazy murderous mad man or a crazy murderous mad woman..."
Monday, February 16, 2009
PUMPKIN DELIGHT, YOU NEED A DRINK!
Pumpkin Delight, this martini recipe was stolen and renamed just for you! You can rim the glass with crushed graham crackers and garnish with a dollop of whipped cream.
Of course, I realise that when the holiday season is over no one wants to even think about consuming another pumpkin flavoured anything, so I suppose you can replace the pumpkin pie spice with powdered or liquid concentrate chai.
The 'You Need a Drink' Award is given by me to the most excellent of bloggers. I use secret spy techniques to gather intelligence and create (or steal) a martini designed especially for you. The rules of this award are simple:
Drink more martinis.
Who needs a drink in March?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
99 BOTTLES OF... ER, 99 THINGS ABOUT ME
1. Started your own blog. CHECK.
2. Slept under the stars. CHECK. I HATE IT, ALTHOUGH ONCE I ATTENDED AN OUTBACK ARTS FESTIVAL AND ON THE WAY THERE TOOK THE WRONG ROAD AND GOT A FLAT TYRE. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OUTBACK WITH THE NEAREST ANYTHING BEING OVER AN HOUR DRIVE AWAY. SO I SLEPT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IN A SWAG UNDER THE STARS, AND THAT WAS SPECIAL... AND CREEPY AT ONCE.
3. Played in a band. NO.
4. Visited Hawaii. NO.
5. Watched a meteor shower. YOU DIRTY MONKEY. KINKY. CHECK.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. WELL, I WORK FOR A CHARITY, HAVE FUND RAISED FOR CHARITIES AND ATTENDED MANY CHARITY BALLS, BUT YOU CAN NEVER REALLY GIVE TOO MUCH TO CHARITY.
7. Been to Disney World / Land. CHECK. WHICH IS THE ONE IN FLORIDA?
8. Climbed a mountain. CHECK. I LOVE TO CLIMB MOUNTAINS.
9. Held a praying mantis. NO.
10. Sang a solo. OH YEAH, EVERY MORNING I AM MAMA ROSE AND SING A FABULOUS SOLO TO THE DOG.
11. Bungee jumped. NO. NEVER. EVER. EVER.
12. Visited Paris. CHECK. I LOVE PARIS. I WANT TO LIVE IN PARIS. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT TEXAS RIGHT?
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. NO.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. THE ART OF THE BEST MARTINI THIS SIDE OF THE EQUATOR.
15. Adopted a child. NO.
16. Had food poisoning. NO. BUT I HAVE HAD A WEAK STOMACH AFTER EATING SWEET CHILLI AND PHILLY DIP.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. NO.
18. Grown your own vegetables. GROWING YOUR OWN VEGGIES ROCK. EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT AT LEAST ONCE.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. NO. ALTHOUGH I DID SIT IN THE COURTYARD OF THE LOUVRE ALL AFTERNOON PEOPLE WATCHING. I WAS IN FRANCE AND I AM SURE SOME OF THE PEOPLE WERE NAMED MONA AND LISA.
20. Slept on an overnight train. YES. TRAINS SUCK.
21. Had a pillow fight. YES. BUT FEATHERS NEVER STARTED FLYING... I THINK THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES.
22. Hitch-hiked. ONCE IN SOUTH CAROLINA. TRAVELLING FROM SAVANNAH TO CLEVELAND AND THE CAR RAN OUT OF GAS.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. TECHNICALLY,NO. I JUST SAY THAT I AM WORKING FROM HOME.
24. Built a snow fort. THERE IS A FINE ART TO MAKING A SNOW FORT... FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT THE ART IS, BUT I HAVE BUILT MANY SNOW FORTS.
25. Held a lamb. CHECK.
26. Gone skinny dipping. CHECK.
27. Run a marathon. NO. NEVER. EVER.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. NO.
29. Seen a total eclipse. POSSIBLY, I CAN'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS A TOTAL ECLIPSE OR NOT, BUT COME TO THINK OF IT, EVEN IF IT WAS A TOTAL ECLIPSE I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY WATCH IT.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. YES.
31. Hit a home run. I COULD NOT EVEN HIT THE BALL AS FAR AS THE PITCHER.
32. Been on a cruise. NO. NEVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. MANY MANY TIMES. MOST RECENTLY WAS IN OCTOBER AND IT CHANGED. NOT THE FALLS BUT THE TOWN. THERE IS A CASINO AND LUXURY SHOPPING AND 5 STAR HOTELS AND IT IS ALL DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU DOING EVERYTHING ELSE EXCEPT SEE THE FALLS.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. HOW FAR BACK ARE WE TALKING HERE?
35. Been to an Amish community. MY MOTHER LIVES IN AMISH COUNTRY, SO, YES.
36. Taught yourself a new language. I ATTEMPTED TO LEARN MANDARIN, UNTIL A FRIEND OF MINE WHO WAS FROM BEIJING TOLD ME I SOUNDED LIKE A DUCK.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. YES. BUT THEN WHEN YOU REACH THAT LEVEL, YOU WANT MORE AND WHEN YOU GET MORE, YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. NO.
39. Gone rock climbing. SORT OF. I HAVE CLIMBED SOME ROCKS AND SOME CLIFFS BUT NOT IN THAT WHOLE HARNESS AND ROPE WAY.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. NO. I WAS TOO BUSY PRETENDING TO BE FRENCH AND PEOPLE WATCHING OUTSIDE OF THE LOUVRE.
41. Sung karaoke. DO I HAVE TO REALLY ADMIT, THAT YES I HAVE SUNG KARAOKE. I RETIRED FROM KARAOKE WHEN I DID A TRULY FANTASTIC VERSION OF ME AND BOBBY MCGEE THAT BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN. I FIGURED I SHOULD QUIT ON TOP.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. YES. AND YES.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. YES. AN OLD LADY THAT REMINDED ME OF MY GRANDMA.
44. Visited Africa. NO.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. YES. ALTHOUGH I SHOULD STATE THAT IT WAS WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND WAS ON ACID AND THE FOAM WAS BLOWING ACROSS THE SAND AND WE WERE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS LEMMINGS. WHICH OF COURSE IS RIDICULOUS AS WE WERE NO WHERE NEAR THE TUNDRA.
46. Been transported in an ambulance. NO.
47. STILL AWAKE?
48. Gone deep sea fishing. NO.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. NO
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. AGAIN, I WAS TOO BUSY PEOPLE WATCHING UNDERNEATH THE EIFFEL TOWER TO ACTUALLY GO UP.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. I UNFORTUNATELY CAN NEVER GO SCUBA DIVING.
52. Kissed in the rain. YES.
53. Played in the mud. YES.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. YES.
55. Been in a movie. YES.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. NO.
57. Started a business. YES.
58. Taken a martial arts class. NO.
59. Visited Russia. NO.
60. Served at a soup kitchen. NO.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. NO.UNLESS YOU COUNT THAT ONE HALLOWEEN.
62. Gone whale watching. NO.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason. YES.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. DONATED? NO. WHEN I WAS 17 I SOLD MY PLASMA FOR $25 A SESSION.
65. Gone sky diving. NO. NEVER. EVER.
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp. NO.
67. Bounced a check. YES. ONCE. IT WAS WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO CHICAGO AND SPENT ALL OF MY SAVINGS ON MOVING AND HAD NOT YET RECEIVED MY FIRST PAYCHECK (BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T GET A JOB IN THE NEW TOWN YET) AND I SAW A FABULOUS PAIR OF GUCCI JEANS I HAD TO HAVE. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, BUT THE CHECK DID NOT BOUNCE AT GUCCI, BUT THE CHECK TO MY LANDLORD FOR MY VERY FIRST RENT PAYMENT BOUNCED BECAUSE I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT THESE JEANS.
68. Flown in a helicopter. YES.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. YES.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. YES.
71. Eaten caviar. YES! I NEED TO PASS ALONG MY RECIPE FOR CAULIFLOWER PANNA COTTA TOPPED WITH CAVIAR.
72. Pieced a quilt.OH GOD NO.
73. Stood in Times Square. YES.
74. Toured the Everglades. NO.
75. Been fired from a job. YES. ONCE.
76. Seen the changing of the guard in London. NO. IN LONDON I WAS TOO BUSY GOING TO CLUBS INSTEAD OF SEEING THE SITES AND ONLY MANAGED TO ACCIDENTALLY SEE BIG BEN AND PARLIAMENT WHEN I STUMBLED ACROSS IT WHILE LOOKING FOR A RAVE.
77. Broken a bone. YES. I WAS RIDING MY BIKE DOWN A BIG HILL WITH NO HANDS.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. NO.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. NO.
80. Published a book. NO.
81. Visited the Vatican. NO.
82. Bought a brand new car. NO. I WAS A HUGE TAXI MAN / WALKER THAT I NEVER HAD A NEED TO OWN A CAR. THEREFORE I HAVE ONLY OWNED TWO CARS IN MY LIFE: A VOLVO AND AN AUDI.
83. Walked in Jerusalem. NO.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. YES.
85. Read the entire Bible. NO.
86. Visited the White House. NO.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. YES. FISHING... ALTHOUGH TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST. I NEVER GUTTED THE FISH.
88. Had chickenpox. YES.
89. Saved someone’s life. I HAVE SAVED A FEW DROWNING BEES FROM THE POOL.
90. Sat on a jury. NO.
91. Met someone famous. YES. AND I ALMOST MET SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST FAMOUS BUT SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR BRUNCH.
92. Joined a book club. YES.
93. Lost a loved one. YES.
94. Had a baby. NO.
95. Seen the Alamo in person. NO..
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. NO.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit. NO.
98. Owned a cell phone. CHECK.
99. Been stung by a bee. YES. MANY TIMES AS I TRIED TO RESCUE THOSE UNGRATEFUL INSECTS FROM DROWNING IN THE POOL.
Now I would like to apologise for the most boring post ever.
2. Slept under the stars. CHECK. I HATE IT, ALTHOUGH ONCE I ATTENDED AN OUTBACK ARTS FESTIVAL AND ON THE WAY THERE TOOK THE WRONG ROAD AND GOT A FLAT TYRE. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OUTBACK WITH THE NEAREST ANYTHING BEING OVER AN HOUR DRIVE AWAY. SO I SLEPT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IN A SWAG UNDER THE STARS, AND THAT WAS SPECIAL... AND CREEPY AT ONCE.
3. Played in a band. NO.
4. Visited Hawaii. NO.
5. Watched a meteor shower. YOU DIRTY MONKEY. KINKY. CHECK.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. WELL, I WORK FOR A CHARITY, HAVE FUND RAISED FOR CHARITIES AND ATTENDED MANY CHARITY BALLS, BUT YOU CAN NEVER REALLY GIVE TOO MUCH TO CHARITY.
7. Been to Disney World / Land. CHECK. WHICH IS THE ONE IN FLORIDA?
8. Climbed a mountain. CHECK. I LOVE TO CLIMB MOUNTAINS.
9. Held a praying mantis. NO.
10. Sang a solo. OH YEAH, EVERY MORNING I AM MAMA ROSE AND SING A FABULOUS SOLO TO THE DOG.
11. Bungee jumped. NO. NEVER. EVER. EVER.
12. Visited Paris. CHECK. I LOVE PARIS. I WANT TO LIVE IN PARIS. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT TEXAS RIGHT?
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. NO.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. THE ART OF THE BEST MARTINI THIS SIDE OF THE EQUATOR.
15. Adopted a child. NO.
16. Had food poisoning. NO. BUT I HAVE HAD A WEAK STOMACH AFTER EATING SWEET CHILLI AND PHILLY DIP.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. NO.
18. Grown your own vegetables. GROWING YOUR OWN VEGGIES ROCK. EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT AT LEAST ONCE.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. NO. ALTHOUGH I DID SIT IN THE COURTYARD OF THE LOUVRE ALL AFTERNOON PEOPLE WATCHING. I WAS IN FRANCE AND I AM SURE SOME OF THE PEOPLE WERE NAMED MONA AND LISA.
20. Slept on an overnight train. YES. TRAINS SUCK.
21. Had a pillow fight. YES. BUT FEATHERS NEVER STARTED FLYING... I THINK THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES.
22. Hitch-hiked. ONCE IN SOUTH CAROLINA. TRAVELLING FROM SAVANNAH TO CLEVELAND AND THE CAR RAN OUT OF GAS.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. TECHNICALLY,NO. I JUST SAY THAT I AM WORKING FROM HOME.
24. Built a snow fort. THERE IS A FINE ART TO MAKING A SNOW FORT... FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT THE ART IS, BUT I HAVE BUILT MANY SNOW FORTS.
25. Held a lamb. CHECK.
26. Gone skinny dipping. CHECK.
27. Run a marathon. NO. NEVER. EVER.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. NO.
29. Seen a total eclipse. POSSIBLY, I CAN'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS A TOTAL ECLIPSE OR NOT, BUT COME TO THINK OF IT, EVEN IF IT WAS A TOTAL ECLIPSE I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY WATCH IT.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. YES.
31. Hit a home run. I COULD NOT EVEN HIT THE BALL AS FAR AS THE PITCHER.
32. Been on a cruise. NO. NEVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. MANY MANY TIMES. MOST RECENTLY WAS IN OCTOBER AND IT CHANGED. NOT THE FALLS BUT THE TOWN. THERE IS A CASINO AND LUXURY SHOPPING AND 5 STAR HOTELS AND IT IS ALL DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU DOING EVERYTHING ELSE EXCEPT SEE THE FALLS.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. HOW FAR BACK ARE WE TALKING HERE?
35. Been to an Amish community. MY MOTHER LIVES IN AMISH COUNTRY, SO, YES.
36. Taught yourself a new language. I ATTEMPTED TO LEARN MANDARIN, UNTIL A FRIEND OF MINE WHO WAS FROM BEIJING TOLD ME I SOUNDED LIKE A DUCK.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. YES. BUT THEN WHEN YOU REACH THAT LEVEL, YOU WANT MORE AND WHEN YOU GET MORE, YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. NO.
39. Gone rock climbing. SORT OF. I HAVE CLIMBED SOME ROCKS AND SOME CLIFFS BUT NOT IN THAT WHOLE HARNESS AND ROPE WAY.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. NO. I WAS TOO BUSY PRETENDING TO BE FRENCH AND PEOPLE WATCHING OUTSIDE OF THE LOUVRE.
41. Sung karaoke. DO I HAVE TO REALLY ADMIT, THAT YES I HAVE SUNG KARAOKE. I RETIRED FROM KARAOKE WHEN I DID A TRULY FANTASTIC VERSION OF ME AND BOBBY MCGEE THAT BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN. I FIGURED I SHOULD QUIT ON TOP.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. YES. AND YES.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. YES. AN OLD LADY THAT REMINDED ME OF MY GRANDMA.
44. Visited Africa. NO.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. YES. ALTHOUGH I SHOULD STATE THAT IT WAS WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND WAS ON ACID AND THE FOAM WAS BLOWING ACROSS THE SAND AND WE WERE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT WAS LEMMINGS. WHICH OF COURSE IS RIDICULOUS AS WE WERE NO WHERE NEAR THE TUNDRA.
46. Been transported in an ambulance. NO.
47. STILL AWAKE?
48. Gone deep sea fishing. NO.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. NO
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. AGAIN, I WAS TOO BUSY PEOPLE WATCHING UNDERNEATH THE EIFFEL TOWER TO ACTUALLY GO UP.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. I UNFORTUNATELY CAN NEVER GO SCUBA DIVING.
52. Kissed in the rain. YES.
53. Played in the mud. YES.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. YES.
55. Been in a movie. YES.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. NO.
57. Started a business. YES.
58. Taken a martial arts class. NO.
59. Visited Russia. NO.
60. Served at a soup kitchen. NO.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. NO.UNLESS YOU COUNT THAT ONE HALLOWEEN.
62. Gone whale watching. NO.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason. YES.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. DONATED? NO. WHEN I WAS 17 I SOLD MY PLASMA FOR $25 A SESSION.
65. Gone sky diving. NO. NEVER. EVER.
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp. NO.
67. Bounced a check. YES. ONCE. IT WAS WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO CHICAGO AND SPENT ALL OF MY SAVINGS ON MOVING AND HAD NOT YET RECEIVED MY FIRST PAYCHECK (BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T GET A JOB IN THE NEW TOWN YET) AND I SAW A FABULOUS PAIR OF GUCCI JEANS I HAD TO HAVE. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, BUT THE CHECK DID NOT BOUNCE AT GUCCI, BUT THE CHECK TO MY LANDLORD FOR MY VERY FIRST RENT PAYMENT BOUNCED BECAUSE I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT THESE JEANS.
68. Flown in a helicopter. YES.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. YES.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. YES.
71. Eaten caviar. YES! I NEED TO PASS ALONG MY RECIPE FOR CAULIFLOWER PANNA COTTA TOPPED WITH CAVIAR.
72. Pieced a quilt.OH GOD NO.
73. Stood in Times Square. YES.
74. Toured the Everglades. NO.
75. Been fired from a job. YES. ONCE.
76. Seen the changing of the guard in London. NO. IN LONDON I WAS TOO BUSY GOING TO CLUBS INSTEAD OF SEEING THE SITES AND ONLY MANAGED TO ACCIDENTALLY SEE BIG BEN AND PARLIAMENT WHEN I STUMBLED ACROSS IT WHILE LOOKING FOR A RAVE.
77. Broken a bone. YES. I WAS RIDING MY BIKE DOWN A BIG HILL WITH NO HANDS.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. NO.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. NO.
80. Published a book. NO.
81. Visited the Vatican. NO.
82. Bought a brand new car. NO. I WAS A HUGE TAXI MAN / WALKER THAT I NEVER HAD A NEED TO OWN A CAR. THEREFORE I HAVE ONLY OWNED TWO CARS IN MY LIFE: A VOLVO AND AN AUDI.
83. Walked in Jerusalem. NO.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. YES.
85. Read the entire Bible. NO.
86. Visited the White House. NO.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. YES. FISHING... ALTHOUGH TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST. I NEVER GUTTED THE FISH.
88. Had chickenpox. YES.
89. Saved someone’s life. I HAVE SAVED A FEW DROWNING BEES FROM THE POOL.
90. Sat on a jury. NO.
91. Met someone famous. YES. AND I ALMOST MET SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST FAMOUS BUT SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR BRUNCH.
92. Joined a book club. YES.
93. Lost a loved one. YES.
94. Had a baby. NO.
95. Seen the Alamo in person. NO..
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. NO.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit. NO.
98. Owned a cell phone. CHECK.
99. Been stung by a bee. YES. MANY TIMES AS I TRIED TO RESCUE THOSE UNGRATEFUL INSECTS FROM DROWNING IN THE POOL.
Now I would like to apologise for the most boring post ever.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D MAKE IT.
I won. An award. I won an award. Me. I won.
Did I tell you that I won an award? Well, I did. I am Almost Famous's's's new favourite boyfriend and for that I won a Lemonade award...
Wait... What?
I am not entirely sure what that means, but I won the award.
Here's how this award works:
A. You must link back to the person you received the award from. CHECK
B. You have to nominate 10,000,000 bloggers who are deserving of this award! UMMM...
#1 out of the 10,000,000 is Grandma J. Mainly because she has fabulous eyelashes, but also because she tells funny stories, like how she took a mayo jar full of urine to the doctor's office.
#2 out 10,000,000 is Mom #1 because I reckon she adds vodka to her lemonade.
jfahiehfoewahfcuahysiudfea we82q05r9y4289thg42809t9(*Y@#*(@G!$REB@NUF "@#{P
And finally...
#10,000,000 out of the 10,000,000 goes to Finding Socks, an entire blog devoted to happy things.
There are so many of you who deserve this award, but, well...
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
WILD BUSHFIRES... AND NO, JASON, THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN BY "BUSH"
At least one two of you is are concerned for my safety during the deadly and horrific bushfire that is raging down this way.
While I only wish that I had a bushfire as an excuse for not updating very much this past week, I am on the opposite side of the county as the Victorian Bushfire. So I will take this opportunity to give you a quick Down Under Geography Lesson.
This is Australia:
While I only wish that I had a bushfire as an excuse for not updating very much this past week, I am on the opposite side of the county as the Victorian Bushfire. So I will take this opportunity to give you a quick Down Under Geography Lesson.
This is Australia:
As you can see, Australia consists of 6 states (Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, Tasmania, South Australia & Western Australia) and two territories (Northern Territory and Australian Capital Territory, bka A.C.T).
The deadly bushfire everyone is hearing about on the news is located in the state of Victoria. On the map, if you look on the bottom right hand corner of Australia and find the city of Melbourne, the fires are located in the region.
Here is a close-up:
If you once again refer to the complete map of Australia, I am located in Perth which is in the state of Western Australia, which is the entire left half of the country/continent.
Oh, and while we are still on maps, if you are travelling down here and someone asks to see your map of Tasmania, they do not mean this:
They mean this.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
OK, WHY NOT?
Everyone else is doing it.
Your Real Name: Hank Orisit
.
Witness Protection Name:(mother and fathers middle names) Jean Kenneth
.
Secret Spy Name: (your first name spelled backwards) Knah
.
Nascar Name: first name of your mother's dad, father's dad) Luellet James
.
Detective Name:(favorite color, favorite animal) Red Giraffe
.
Soap Opera Name:(middle name, county where you were born) Kent El Paso
.
Super Hero Name: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning) The Black Martini
.
Fly Name:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Hait
.
Street Name:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Cookies 'n Cream Tim Tam
.
Rock Star: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on) Mishka Williams
.
Your Next Child's Name: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy) Acqua di Gio Butterscotch
Your Real Name: Hank Orisit
.
Witness Protection Name:(mother and fathers middle names) Jean Kenneth
.
Secret Spy Name: (your first name spelled backwards) Knah
.
Nascar Name: first name of your mother's dad, father's dad) Luellet James
.
Detective Name:(favorite color, favorite animal) Red Giraffe
.
Soap Opera Name:(middle name, county where you were born) Kent El Paso
.
Super Hero Name: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning) The Black Martini
.
Fly Name:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Hait
.
Street Name:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Cookies 'n Cream Tim Tam
.
Rock Star: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on) Mishka Williams
.
Your Next Child's Name: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy) Acqua di Gio Butterscotch
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
UPDATE: FOR TODAY'S LESSON...
We are going to talk about foxes.
I know nothing of the fox besides what I learned from the bit on Golden Girls when they all sign on to do a live version of Chicken Little for an elementary school. So from that performance, I know that they are sly, eat chickens and wearing riding outfits with cute little boots.
Well, something happened the other day and a fox crossed my path. Myself being into animal symbolism took it as a sign and immediately launched into what it could possibly mean.
In animal symbolism, the fox represents cunning, sneakiness, awareness and intelligence.
One source mentioned that the fox's greatest gift is not its ability to outrun the hounds, but that it can predict when they are hunting.
Furthermore what we can learn from the fox is that by trusting our instincts we are able to anticipate and therefore create the future.
Also if a fox crosses your path it mean an opportunity arises.
So what does this all mean? Fantastic things, but I hold you in suspense for now.
UPDATE: For clarification, I actually saw a real live fox.
I know nothing of the fox besides what I learned from the bit on Golden Girls when they all sign on to do a live version of Chicken Little for an elementary school. So from that performance, I know that they are sly, eat chickens and wearing riding outfits with cute little boots.
Well, something happened the other day and a fox crossed my path. Myself being into animal symbolism took it as a sign and immediately launched into what it could possibly mean.
In animal symbolism, the fox represents cunning, sneakiness, awareness and intelligence.
One source mentioned that the fox's greatest gift is not its ability to outrun the hounds, but that it can predict when they are hunting.
Furthermore what we can learn from the fox is that by trusting our instincts we are able to anticipate and therefore create the future.
Also if a fox crosses your path it mean an opportunity arises.
So what does this all mean? Fantastic things, but I hold you in suspense for now.
UPDATE: For clarification, I actually saw a real live fox.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
THE RURURJURUR
Did ever tell you that one Friday night when I was left to my own accord, abandondend for the preparations of yet another horse show that I had approximately five martinis and when Stuart finally came home at 11:30pm I sat him down and told him that this family is falling apart and the only way to fix it was to buy a rural property so that we can all at least be on the same peice of land?
Well, it slipped my mind, too. However today we went out to look at approximately 10 million properties and narrowed it down to approximately 11 million.
Wait... What? How did that happen?
Whilst I have my fantasies of living out my Maggie Beer dreams and growing things and turning them into fabulous dinners for 20, I am also exceptionally afraid of being bitten by snakes.
You may breath a sigh of relief that despite Australia's relatively high number of poisonous snakes (and other deadly creatures) the area we live only has two poisonous snake species...
You may now gulp your martinis when I tell that those two species just so happen to also be in the top ten of most lethally poisionous snakes IN THE WORLD.
But who cares about possible death when you can make a fabulous chutney from your very own garden?
Well, it slipped my mind, too. However today we went out to look at approximately 10 million properties and narrowed it down to approximately 11 million.
Wait... What? How did that happen?
Whilst I have my fantasies of living out my Maggie Beer dreams and growing things and turning them into fabulous dinners for 20, I am also exceptionally afraid of being bitten by snakes.
You may breath a sigh of relief that despite Australia's relatively high number of poisonous snakes (and other deadly creatures) the area we live only has two poisonous snake species...
You may now gulp your martinis when I tell that those two species just so happen to also be in the top ten of most lethally poisionous snakes IN THE WORLD.
But who cares about possible death when you can make a fabulous chutney from your very own garden?
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