Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I hold a long-time fear of aliens.

Blame it on ‘Unsolved Mysteries.’

That show was so creepy! Everything from the theme music to dulcet tones of Robert Stack’s voice… even the episodes that were about wonderful miracles were somehow creepy.

Often I wonder how many people developed serious phobias all because of that creepy show.

I am one and I know of one other. Are we alone?

Ever since my sister forced me to watch that first episode back in the late 80s, I cannot sleep next to an uncovered window because aliens are watching me through giant telescopes whilst I am sleeping.

My feet must also be covered and tucked by the covers at all times. It is common knowledge that when one “covers and tucks” with the sheets one becomes invisible and aliens cannot grab exposed limbs and pull you to the alien starship for probing.

This technique also works on the ghosts that live under the bed.

You are thinking that I have lost it, but I tell you with my fingers uncrossed, that I have had an alien encounter.

One night last year, I was in fast asleep (covered and tucked) when I woke up to the sound of the bedroom door slowly creaking open.

As the door opened it revealed a dark shadowy silhouette of a being, standing tall and thin, arms hanging down at the sides.

I once read in a book that stated if one is visited by alien (or “greys” as the author called them), to force them to flee one should send the alien thoughts and feeling of love.

With this knowledge I spent many hours preparing myself for this exact moment. I knew I should send love to the extraterrestrial shadow, but all I could do was act like a stunned mullet.

The shadowy being made an odd noise and I could hear bursts of strange alien liquid hitting the tiled floor.


I started to scream at the top of my lungs “ALIENS!!! ALIENS!!!”

Stuart wasn’t waking up so I started to whack him… hard! “ALIENS!!! ALIENS!!!

Stuart leapt out of bed, ready to pounce! He raced over to the shadowy being but was foiled when he slipped on the alien liquid.

The shadowy being turned toward Stuart, opened its mouth and said, “Daddy, I don’t feel good.”

It was the son. He came into our room in the middle of the night to tell us he needed had a sore tummy. He got scared when I started to scream and just stood there, frozen with fear. That is, until he actually threw up all over the floor.

Ever since that night, my fear of aliens has not been as strong as it was in the past but the other day I received an informal, unspecified and definitely classified invitation to sit in a certain Area-51 adjacent Royal backyard to watch the night sky for alien starships.

It royally gives me the creeps just thinking about such an evening, but I am oddly intrigued to accept… I am even thinking of creating a special Alien Starship Martini for the event.

I think I could handle it. Just so long as nobody hums the theme tune to “Unsolved Mysteries.”


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