DEAR ________________ ,

Dear All,

You have been jipped big time.

The last gathering I left you early to get more booze and I never came back. The reason is I swerved to avoid hitting another wittle wabbit when suddenly a kangaroo with a bazooka jumped in front of my car.

The little bugger was out for revenge!

I was driving as fast as I could, but there he was hopping behind me the whole time. Luckily he was a bad shot. He blew up a picking shed, a hen house and the mayonnaise factory before he got tired and gave up.

The good news is that I have a new bottle of chocolate liqueur, so today we will be having Chocolate Martinis.


Dear Mr Show,

A ‘windscreen’ is the same as a ‘windshield’ only a windscreen has bird beaks stuck in it.

The death lily, as I know you and Pumpkin were dying to know, is from South Africa. It is also called a calla lily and arum lily. I looked it up and the real name is Zantedeschia.

In regards to the name “Death Lily,” Wikipedia says it can be poisonous to livestock and children, but I have never heard that. Plus when I gave it to my kids to eat, nothing happened. So in probability the name “Death Lily” came from it being the flower of choice at funerals.

Here in Western Australia, it was brought over to be used in home gardens, but it got a bit out of control and now it is Plant Gone Wild. It grows everywhere there is a winter creek, dam or marshy paddock. It was declared a weed, which means that… well, I don’t know.

Someone told me that it was no longer allowed to be sold in nurseries or picked to be sold commercially; however the past few weeks I have seen small bunches of them for sale at $8.00 each.

There are hundreds of thousands growing in my winter creek… $8/bunch multiplied by hundreds of thousands… I should really set up a table on the tree lawn.


Dear Mom #1,

Can I have some of the pills you are on? My blog has been the same-o, same-o for the past year. Obviously I should change it again.

Actually that is a good idea. I mean how long can one live with the new drapes before changing the carpet?

Don’t worry! You are safe walking in my neighbourhood. I don’t aim for people only kangaroos, wittle wabbits and native birds. You will, however, need to watch out for the snakes, scorpions and poisonous spiders.


Dear Grandma J,

You want me to write about my childhood adventures under the bridge? Make me sound like I was troll trying to trap people who crossed the bridge.

So I should clarify that technically it was a viaduct and we never went inside because the water would wash us away and kill us plus satanists had rituals in there plus ghosts called it home plus Bloody Mary would appear if you said her name three times.

I have troubles remembering events from childhood (well, the good events anyway) unless I am prompted. Like when I went back to that viaduct and looked out over the river, I was flooded (no pun intended) with memories and feelings.

Possibly if I started to write about them, I would remember more, and even get the answers to many unanswered questions.



Dear Pumpkin Delight,

That picture was entitled “Self Portrait – Creek Crotch Shot” by Hula Hank. You should have seen the photos before I ate the banana that was in my pocket.

Thank you for the wonderful lemon recipe ideas. Here is the problem; most recipes only call for the zest of one lemon or 1 tablespoon of lemon juice. As I sit here and write this, I have 327 lemons sitting on my kitchen counter.

Maybe I just need to get over it and move on.

I did find an article in the LA Times of 101 things to do with lemons. It was quite informative. Did you know that using a lemon instead of a ball to play fetch with your dog, will freshen their breath?

I got it! Switch mayo with lemon butter, the sound might be more similar than thickened cream.



Dear JLO,

Where the hell are you?

DEAR ____________

Dear All,

I know it may seem unusual to have a few manhattans on a Monday, but that is the way we roll.

The real truth is that I purchased electronic tickets for Stuart and I to go to a Saturday night female impersonator show at the casino, however on Friday I left my print-out tickets at work. Which meant we were screwed on a night out. (J-Lo bite your tongue!)

You are probably asking, "Why couldn't you just print out the tickets out at home? After all you have have three laptop and two computers between the four you."

You are correct, however we do not have a printer.

So now you are probably asking, "Where are you going with this story? Can I have a refill now?"

Well, I went out on Saturday afternoon to buy a new printer. A wireless one so we can print from where ever we happen to be in the house.. like on the toilet, for instance.

What? Did you just say, "Aaaaannnd???"

Well, when I set up the wireless printer to connect wirelessly to the wireless router which provides wireless networking and wireless internet for our wireless computers, the wireless internet went down, however we could wirelessly print family photos while going to the loo (which cannot be done wirelessly).

At the last minute, the internet came up for a few minutes and I was able to print the tickets (from the toilet) and the night out was spared.

Wake up!

The moral of the story is: My internet went bye-bye and said hello again Sunday night so now we toast on Monday... from the toilet.


Dear Queen of Phrump,

I really like the idea of "Murder Mystery of the Week".. Well I don't actually like the idea of having to deal with a weekly mystery murder, I can see the appeal.

Speaking about dead animals, I was asking Stuart what was normally done when horses die. Apparently there are two options. The first one is to illegally bury it on your property. Of course, this means that as the dead horse bloats, the ground above it rises out, until the gas comes out of the horse some way (I beleive he said the horse exploded, but I am not sure convinced of that), then it collapses back down.

The other option is to have someone take it away where it is processed into blood & bone for the garden.

Both options sound a bit gruesome to me.

Which reminds me that your Addams Family theme is totally awesome! You would make a fantastic Morticia.


Dear Mom #1,

Congratulations on your twin additions!

I do remember Ripley's Believe It or Not tv show. I hated that show. They still try to bring it back every now and then, but that show is just nasty! I can only think of that woman who can pop her eyeballs out.

Now I got the shivers.

The only thing scarier are those plastic ponchos at Niagara Falls.

Possibly a little sinching with a belt an a sequin or two would make them a bit more attractive... Also thinking about it, why were the Walk Behind the Falls ponchos yellow and the Maid of the Mist ponchos blue? If someone fell off the boat, wouldn't they be spotted easier in the blue water if they were in yellow?

What iF that Ripley's woman was on the Maid of the Mist and fell overboard and popped her eyeballs out as she fell?

See that is why I cannot watch or even think about these TV shows!


Dear All,

You are drinking like a fish tonight! I will just "pop out" to the bottle shop to up more bottles. Any suggestions?

SHAKEN OR STIRRED?

You sickos were on commenting fire this month!

You covered all the perverse bases from butt plug kisses to 32 foot motor homes to peeing of one's pants to dead horse dump trucks and Tinker belles laughing at dead wood.

I sense a pitcher of Manhattans and a "Dear _________" post coming on!

...And JLo I know you are going to say and it is too easy!

DEAR ________, DAY 2

Dear Everyone,

Well I burnt/burned the scones. Never fear whilst I was in the kitchen I whipped up some chilli/chili mussels instead. Chilli/chili mussels are not quite as good with apple butter as scones are, but have another bellini... it won't matter.


Dear Mom #1,

What exactly is an 'apple smoke'? Is it what I am thinking it is which I may or may not have done in my wild teenage days?

Vegemite is the vilest spread I have ever tasted. It is actually made from discarded yeast extract used in making beer. I have never met anyone that wasn’t Australian born and raised who will even give it a sample taste.

Australians claim that Americans don’t like it because we use too much when spreading it on toast. They claim only a minuscule amount should be used. What they fail to realise/realize is that Americans (and every other country in the world) don’t like it because, in large or small quantities, that shit is rank.

Although I once had one too many bottles of wine and I developed a strange craving for a toasted Vegemite and cheese sandwich… and it was not bad. Though subsequent tastings have justified my original dislike.

To its credit, Vegemite is exceptionally high in the B vitamins and certain amino acids which, as we know, are essential in maintaining healthy brain function.

So maybe that 1 out of 3 was not eating their Vegemite?


Dear Grandma J,

You are seriously returning to nature in The Spa… Blogging naked, spotting Bambi and hosting ant parties in your bra! Before you know it you will grow a beard and start talking to armadillos.

As you stated, you may be the oldest blogger, but you are the most beautiful.

I tried my best to try and figure out how ice cream could possibly qualify as brain food, but I just can’t come up with anything… unless is it made with dark chocolate and topped with fresh berries (and no, strawberry syrup does not count).



Dear Mr Show,

What exactly is your issue with persimmons? They are delightful. Of course I am referring to the non-astringent variety that has edible skins and are chock full of sweetness. If I ever perfect this whole persimmon butter thing, I will send some to you in the post/mail and you will be totally won over.

This whole Martha Stewart phase that has been happening to me lately is just to balance out all of the butch things I have to do around the farm... or at least the supervision I do of the butch things.

When Stuart brought me home a surprise gift of a plaid flannel shirt, I new it had gone too far and I had to take drastic gay action with cocktails, cookbooks and kitchen tools.

I know you and Giancarlo must have some tools that would make any gay jealous... um, wait... I don't think that came out right.



Dear jambuku,


Did you remember to bring the lamingtons this time? When you start your WA road trip, are you still going to blog about finding socks? Or wait, have you left already?


Dear Everyone,

Next time I propose that we meet in Italy.

Love, Hula Hank XX

DEAR ________, DAY 1

Dear Everyone,

I am glad that everyone has gathered together once again to enjoy a drink (or three), have a chat and feel the love.

This time I received some inspiration from Pumpkin Delight and thought it would be nice to serve peach bellinis.

You can buy Bellini in a bottle, and I remember a Miami inspired club that opened up on the beautiful Cuyahoga River in Cleveland's industrial district (yes, the same river that once caught on fire). Bottled Bellini was the signature cocktail and on some wild nights, the bartender would pour it directly into your mouth.

But no, this bellini is not that Bellini. This bellini is made from Italian sparkling and white peach puree.

Put it down the hatch!


Dear Queen of Phrump,

Jackalopes! That is right. How could I be so silly? My dad grew up in the Montana and whenever he would return home from a trip out west, he would bring back postcards featuring a cowboy riding a gigantic jackalope…and Big Hunks, because you couldn’t buy Big Hunks where we lived.

The whole family would spend the next week gnawing at these giant candy bars. Eventually we would get sick of them and would find half gnawed bars stuck under the couch cushions, inside underwear drawers and even under a pillow or two.

Which brings me to your 14 carat cake….. I am intrigued and must have some immediately!

Did your mother pick up a jar of apple butter yet? It seems that apple butter is an item that we all forget about until something comes along to conjure up strong childhood memories.

Big Hunks, apple butter… why are all of my childhood memories of foodstuff?



Dear JLO,

Is Arizona that state that has all of the aliens and new age healing spots or is that New Mexico?

Whilst I was reading your previous comments on my possible overuse of the word “whilst”, I was thinking that whilst I do tend to use the word “whilst” in writing, I never actually say “whilst” in speech. I am not even sure I know 100% what ‘whilst’ means and even how to use ‘whilst’ in a sentence.

I reckon it is one of those weirdo British terms and spellings like using ‘spelt’ instead of ‘spelled’ or ‘spilt’ instead of ‘spilled’ or ‘learnt’ instead of ‘learned’ or ‘burnt’ instead of ‘burned’… ‘tyre’ instead of ‘tire’ or even more wacko, ‘aeroplane’ instead of ‘airplane’.

PS – Your skin looks so radiant. Did you get a facial?



Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Venice looks so magical. I hate using the word “magical” but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.. Fantastical? Opulent? Enchanting?

One can almost imagine Casanova riding the canals to the doors of all society women around town.

I am putting together a list of US to Aussie word translations. As I flip over the third notebook page of words, it is more complicated than I thought.

Does the list only include the different words for the same object? Does it continue on with words that are pronounced the same but spelled/spelt differently? Does go even further to contain words that are spelled/spelt the same but pronounced differently?

To get a rest from the mental spin that is the English language, I decided to experiment with another type of fruit butter, this time with persimmons.

I wish I could tell you that the results were an execution of culinary brilliance. Well, it did look and smell like someone was executed.

The problem was not in the fruit or the idea, it was with the, uh, execution.

I believed Stuart when he told me that if I put the slow cooker on ‘Auto’ I could leave it on overnight without the persimmons burning, because when the slow cooker is on ‘auto’ it can sense when something is going to burn and shuts off.

Uh-huh.

The next morning I was left with dried, burned and shriveled pieces of persimmon which were permanently glued to the pot with a sugary glaze the same consistency of that used to coat pottery... after it went through the kiln.

I am not going to give up though, I just need to get some more persimmons before they go out of season.

There is this great orchard around the corner where the guy sells fruit out of his barn… Do you think that is the country equivalent to getting acupuncture in the back of van?


Dear Everyone,

I am still working my way around the room... I keep getting sidetracked by an empty glass. I am going to take the scones out of the oven and will be right back with hot scones and fresh apple butter.

Love Hula Hank

DEAR __________________,

Dear Everyone,

It has been a very long time since we last got together like this. I just bought a few bottles of peach vodka from the liquor wholesalers on the first floor of my office building. Can interest you in peach martini?


Dear JLO,

Yes, living the Aussie life down here. With the exception that I have never worn a hat with corks hanging off the brim and three drag queens driving a lavender bus have never knocked on my door.

Other than that, red soil? Check. Snakes? Check. Cockatoos? Check. Kangaroos? Check. Bottle of shiraz? Double check.

You know what would make it a true Aussie life? If you travelled down under and gave a performance of your 80s dance repertoire to the music of Men at Work!!!!!!!!


Dear Grandma J,

First let me say that I have heard you loud and clear regaring the comment font size being very very very small. I have never known how to fix the problem before but I have taken a quick internet course of CSS coding and went to the comment template and changed to a larger font... Just for you!

I am glad to see that you are enjoying your new unit! The landscaping is wonderful. Very minimalist.

More pressing are you questions about kangaroos. First I need to make a group announcement here. Pardon me. >>>>


Dear All,

I hate to interrupt your peach martinis, however I feel it is my duty to confess that my post on Mr and Mrs Rufus (Red Kangaroo) appearing nightly in my front paddocks was a complete lie.

I rang the very friendly folks at Perth Hills National Parks Visitors Centre who informed me that the nightly visitors are actually Western Grey Kangaroos.

Red Kangaroos are further north and inland where is it more arid.

You may now continue you martinis and dancing The Worm.


<<<<<<

So Grandma J, kangaroos are more shy in temperament and tend to bounce away if they sense a human presence. There are a few places around town that you can go to feed and pet tame kangaroos. I do have a picture of myself snuggling a kangaroo many years ago. I will find it and post it for you.

The different types of roos don't interbreed. I thought I could make that statement into a longer paragraph, but nope. I think that says it all.

I did not know that the school mascot is Killeen, TX is a kangaroo. Does he wear a pair of boxing gloves?



Dear Mr Show,

I think that is so cool you learned how to speak Navajo and even your own family didn't know... or did they?

Did you know that I can speak Cherokee?

Actually, I can only say the number '6'.

You did mention about the increased font size, I don't believe you have ever mentioned it before. It must be something new since you turned 40?



Dear Mom #1,

I sincerely hope that you are alright after that tree jumped out in front of your truck. How very inconsiderate of it.

There is a Roo Repellent, it is called a shotgun.

I would never use such repellent, of course. The kangaroo are not a nuisance to me and I encourage them to come around more often... and bring their friends (as long as their friend are not The Adders).

In Hillary Clinton's autobiography, she mentions that when her and Bill made a visit to a high ranking politician or the Governor General (the Queen's representative) in Australia, they were looking over his land and the HRP and/or GG made a comment to her that they heard Bill was allergic to kangaroos and they did their best to get rid of them all for the visit.


Dear Pumpkin Delight,

I cannot wait until you make your confession and tell us the truth. I was hoping that one of your truths or lies was that you were pregnant.

Roos over Adders any day!


Dear Queen of Phrump,

You are my inspiration to want to become a better writer.

I thought jackrabbits were only myth!

BTW, I was watching one of those Las Vegas cop shows and they featured your very own kingdom. Apparently you have quite a few murderous Trekkies as your neighbours.




Can I get anyone else another martini? Who was supposed to bring the food?

Sincerly,

XX Hula Hank

DEAR ____ PART TWO

Now we move on to the post about the Little Man with a string hanging between his legs.

DEAR JASON,

Slut.


DEAR JLO,

In the past, the smallest things always brought a tear to my eye too.

PS - Your ass doesn't have a crack already?


DEAR MOM#1,

I am incredibly sentimental but I try not to let anybody know.

When I posted those sideways pictures, I had a little too much Holiday Cheer (aka champagne)and could not fathom going into Photoshop to crop and rotate...er, what I meant to say was, Yes, you were way too drunk! Those photos appear perfectly normal on my screen...


DEAR GEOFF,

Thank you for stopping by, it is great to see you. You know, I also lived in Idaho... I lasted 6 weeks.


DEAR GRANDMA J,

The beautiful Grandma J, I am both blind and a comedian, however I only speak the truth!

Jean died of (in case you have not already Googled it) a lung infection transferred from certain birds through bacteria in droppings or feather dust. Most people can be treated with a round of anti-biotics, however my neighbour was in her 80s and already suffering with other lung related illnesses.

So have you heard from Eddie since the grocery store? I mean after all, you number is in his phone!!!

DEAR _____ PART ONE

Over the Christmas break, a few more posts than normal appeared on my blog. Therefore I have quite a few comments to respond to so, I will have to break this week's DEAR ____ into several parts.

First, I had no idea that the whole family photo Christmas card this would elicit such an out pour of emotions from you all! So I will start there.


DEAR GRANDMA J,

You know, I always forget to send holiday cards myself. So technically, I suppose, I shouldn't really be complaining about these photo cards because it is a lot more than I send out.

I think that your response to the drinks party was the perfect option! If I drink straight out of the bottle, then there are no glasses to clean.


DEAR MOM#1,

It is tomorrow down here, therefore I can tell you two things with absolute certainty. 1. The world has not ended and 2. The sun will come out.

I can probably be quite certain that my after my friends who send me those cards read my post, I won't be receiving those photo cards anymore... nor any other form of correspondence.

But I am in total agreement, to those people who will have forgiven me by next December, a generic "Happy Holidays! Love XXXXXX" handwritten on the back would be a loving touch.


DEAR MS DELIGHT,

Thank you! I impressed myself with that ability to list all my BFFs in one post!

I feel the same way when I open those photo-cards. The photos are always cute, but there is a severe disappointment in the lack of a handwritten note. It is even more depressing when you have known some of these people for at least 20 years or more.

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned family Holiday Newsletter? Even though it still lacked that personal touch, at least it gave you some great gossip!

I would so love for you to by next door neighbour and have you over to drink Long Islands Iced Teas... and I would not make you wash your own glass!

But you shouldn't be drinking alcohol in your current state. ;)


DEAR NIKKI,

So did you get all Christmassy? Or at least maybe all Chanukahmassy?


DEAR JLO,

I suppose since you have a fur bag I can forgive the fact that you are a shameful culprit in sending out holiday photo cards without a note!!

Also, it would kind of be fun to have you over as well to drink Long Island Iced Teas and sing Christmas songs. Except because of the whole sending out photo-cards without a note, you will have to wash your own glass!!

Love Hula Hank XX

DEAR ________

Dear Mr Show,

Is your second grade show complete with a music teacher wearing a bad holiday sweater who sings the loudest using an opera style whilst banging away at the piano and conducting the kids at the same time?

I'll bring the champagne.


Dear Sabrina T,

Any special holiday spirit recipes you can share? Or is just drank straight from the bottle?

Actually a martini does sound nice right about now! My lower back is killing me and I think it will do the trick!

PS - How was The Night Before Christmas??


Dear Mush,

I learnt evil from the best. ;) XXX


Dear Nikki,

I feel like it has been ages since I saw you last! Toby is awesome so far, except for a little annoying habit of waking me up on the dot at 5:15am every morning!


Dear ktk (aka anonymous),

I hope that there is some serious cute footage to come. He is so awesome I love to just look at him and think of how devastating gorgeous he is.

Then after I move away from the mirror...


Dear Grandma J,

The kids here go to school based on the yearly calendar. So They start in early February and finish in mid December. They get nothing like the super long summer vacations that we got!

Thanks for the info on the rawhides. That is horrible! I don't normally get them because they unroll and then you get slimey sheets of rawhide laying everywhere... which, you know, is sooo much worse than slimey bits of a gigantic brown pig's ear.

One of the funniest stories happened about a week after Toby came home. Stuart and I were in the spa and Toby could not stand to be at any distance from he, so he jumped right in and fell asleep on my chest.


Dear Mom #1

I am so happy to read that everything is alright with Baby Boy! Now you can really celebrate these holidays.

You would have to waiting to read my essay on why I hate Mary Ingalls! That one is taking the me the longest to write because I have to go back and watch all nine seasons of the show to get every last point as to why she drives me insane (but not as insane as Carrie Ingalls).

How was The Nutcracker?


Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Bad boys do it for you, eh? LOL

My mafia names (yes, I have four accounts to get the maximum addiction load) are highly unsexy. They are 1. Sophia Petrillo, 2. Dorothy Szbornak, 3. Tony Pianostrings and 4. Hot Lips Zucchini.

Not quite what you were hoping for?

Oh by the way, I have put your Sweet Potato and Apple recipe up on the site. I just haven't put up the site yet! Many thanks for letting me use it!

Dear ______ ,

Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Thank you so much for sending on the recipe for spoon bread, and for re-posting your tortilla soup recipe. The tortilla soup was a smash hit! Blane ate three bowls for dinner and wants it again today for lunch.

Teenage debauchery was so much fun, I have to admit. I think that the best part of being a teenager is going through life without knowing the implications of what you are doing. The blissful ignorance. The braissen outspokenness. The bold gestures. The fearless chance taking.

To be honest, I always hated drinking in that park. It just felt so undignified. Even at 15 I much rather preferred a martini in a skyline apartment with Ella Fitzgerald playing in the background.

Did you ever see the movie Sweet Charity with Shirley Maclaine? Remember when she met the Italian movie star and he took her to that restaurant/nightclub and everyone was wearing black and walking around in typical Bob Fosse fashion? That was have been my dream teenage house party.

By the way, you were right. The jack-o-lantern that I carved was the starry eyed one. How did you know?



Dear Mom#1,

Wow! Can I have what you are on?

I am glad you seem to be feeling better, or at least distanced from the pain! Have you had your surgery yet?


Dear JLo,

Lurk away, gorgeous!

The fall trees were always my favourite thing about growing up in a climate with four distinct seasons. The beauty of it was the one thing I never took for granted.

OK so I am perfectly happy living without having to rake up those leaves every week, but after you are done, and the leaves are in a big pile, you jump in them and throw them around and it makes it all worth it.


Dear Jason

I suppose the viaduct is a bit creepy. I mean technically it would have been the perfect respite for kidnappers, hobos, murderers, child molesters and possibly aliens, but whenever I looked at it all I could see was the history and immense man power and engineering it would have taken to construct something like that over 150 years ago.

Old buildings have always managed to put me in a trance like state. For some reason I feel connected to them. My imagination starts to run wild and I try to experience what the building would have looked like new, who owned it, how it was used and what clothes were they wearing.

PS I guess you have to give snaps to Kim! She called you out, Grandpa!!


Whilst we are on the topic of gorgeous grandparents,

Dear Grandma J,

It is great to see that you have been thoroughly enjoy your Thanksgiving season, and it seems to me that you have a lot for which to be thankful.

Of course I noticed your eyelashes. Do you remember how I said that you remind me of my favourite aunt? Well she always had long eyelashes too. It is spooky the similarities.

In certain parts, that river was deeper than it appears in the photos. Enough to go rafting, but not canoeing. I must first point out that my brother and I never got very far because the blow-up raft we used had a slow leak and we spent most of our Great Adventure floating around half underwater.

Come to think of it, rafting was a pretty stupid idea, we would have had better luck using the old water bed mattress.


Dear Everyone in the World Right Now,

I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving weekend. We don't celebrate it down here, but every odd year I will throw a big Thanksgiving dinner party to keep the tradition alive for me. This was an even year.

If you celebrate, is it your tradition to put up your Christmas tree and decorations the day or weekend after Thanksgiving? Have you done so? I want pictures!!!!


love, Hula Hank x

Dear _______ ,

Dear Pumpkin Delight,

Do you know what it is funny with my family owning most of the town my mother lives in, I don't actually know anyone there besides my grandma, aunts and uncles. At the time when my mother grew up, the town only had dirt road, no electricity or sewage systems. There were also no highways and it took several hours to even get to the city. My mom told me that most of the people that she went to school with no longer live around there because they just wanted to get out and find opportunity.

It is also a strong Amish community and as people moved out, the Amish bought up the properties. On this past visit I noticed that it was a much more Amish orientated, up the street there is now an amish school, market and meeting hall.

So yeah, needless to say, the town really knows how to party... did I just hear crickets?

PS I have just bought the corn meal... all I need now is the recipe! ;)


Dear Live. Love. Eat.,

Welcome! I must admit that I couldn't stop looking the turkeys and wondering how they would taste... but that may have been the margarita talking.

I have been slowly working my way around your blog, and I like your cocktail/food philosopshy!

Dear Jason ,

Oh my goodness! That sounds like a classic photo! It always seems to be about the hand and arm placement, doesn't it? Hands out or on your hips equals gigantic fairy. Hand grasping your chin equals big macho man.

I don't have any photos like that.

Dear Mom #1,

First, I hope that you are feeling better, I know that your dental appointment was put off, but I hope that the pain is gone and even more important, you have a reached a peaceful calm and acceptance about the extraction.

If you are still nervous, I will ask my mother to send you a mostly empty and dusty bottle of 6-year old booze.

PS - If 2007 was all about sin and 2008 is all about reclaimed virginity, what is 2009 going to be about?



Dear Grandma J,

Ever since you told me you occasionally dine on chicken nuggets at the movie theatre, I have been craving chicken mcnuggets.

That is not my cousin, that is my nephew. Thank you for thinking I couldn't possibly be old enough to have a 22 year nephew... but I am. I am a month or two older than he. ;)

Anyway, you are entirely correct, THAT SHIRT would have totally appreciated the day, however I wore it the day before and it was in the wash so I could wear it the day after. I do believe I hung it up on the line so that it could dry and watch the family take photos and eat turkey.

It enjoyed a beautiful sunny day overlooking the autumn leaves and green lawn, which my mother moes herself. She says it takes about three hours to do. For the record, it did not need to be mowed during my trip, or else I totally would have volunteered Stuart for the job.

Dear Everyone Who Left a Comment About MY NEW PUPPY Whom I Mentioned Once and Never Mentioned Again,

Photos to come. He is the coolest dog ever (with the exception of my original pug Mishka)! He falls into the pool and jumps into the spa, eats the cat's furballs and looks like a chenile teddy bear!


Love Hula Hank

PS - Dear Bossy,

Woot! Woot!

Dear ______ ,

Dear Joseph,

Thank you! Welcome and stop by often! It is great to see a new face!


Dear Grandma J,

A cow walked into your car? Don't tell me that the farmer then tried to milk you.

I wait with bated breath every week to see which movie you choose. Those are the hard decisions in life. Do you ever choose a movie that you then regret seeing and immediately attend the next session of your second choice?

Also, what is your theatre snack of desire? (I was going to say 'choice' but realised I used that word to end the previous sentence.)


Dear Pumpkin Delight,

I was so devasted to miss seeing New Kids on the Block... and why are they still going by that name? I suggest a change to Old Men Around the Block.

It was Cher's last night performing (until later in the year) and I since I missed her 10 other farewell tours, I was bursting at the seams to see this one... until I got the price of the only tickets available.


Dear Katie,

Taking photos all day long is hard work! I don't know how you do it with such ease! I bow to your talents.


Dear Jason,

It's a deal! Did you go to one of the protests this past weekend?


Sorry to make this so short. I have been running around all day chasing MY NEW PUPPY!!!!

lOVE, Hula Hank

Dear ____________________ ,

Dear Pumpkin Delight,

I don't specifically hate LA. The several times I have been there it just doesn't leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling. I almost feel like it is a place where millions of people live because they have to for work, and not because they love it or want to make it a great place to live.

There are some fantastic things about it. For instance: you, Jason and family, Barbra Streisand and, of course, Rock Hudson's footprints... oh I guess American Apparel is pretty awesome too.

I just have a question about your last Tasty Tuesday post... Do you actually count out 40 basil leaves exactly or do you just grab a bunch of basil and call it a day?

Dear Grandma J,

THAT SHIRT is going to make many a reappearances as I get through the rest of our trip! At this rate, I should be finished telling you about it sometime in late 2012.

I think it is a fab idea to have a blog where the shirt makes it around the world, but then I would have to give up my favourite shirt!

For the record, at Universal Studios I did not wear THAT SHIRT. I wore my other shirt, which if you go back and look at some of the photos from the trip, will be easy to guess which shirt that was.

What a pity about 9 to 5! I know why people only go to big over the top showstoppers, they have proven the test of time, the music is familiar and they have a stronger sense of fantasy than, let's just say a boring office.

Did you know that I used to live in Texas? My only memory is wearing cowboy boots and all of the Cottonwood Trees! Remember the Alamo? No I don't. So I will take you up on that offer when I am Texas next.

PS - A new vocabulary word, bathers can also be called "cossies" (pronounced "cozzies").


Dear Mom #1,

I am with Mom #2! I did not find the water squirting very fun! Maybe only because I wear glasses and I had to constantly find a dry spot on my shirt to clean them off. I did love the 4-D rides though.

I saw on your blog that you have already seen Cinderella and I am dying to know what you thought! I have to admit, my views on opera changed during a performance of Cinderella. I was actually riveted, but unfortunately I had to leave at intermission because I had another engagement. So you will need to let me know how it ends!

The son does have red hair, it comes from The Man's Scottish blood on his paternal side. It is a nice colour of orange... You know how some red heads just don't have a nice shade of red?

As I told Grandma J, I used to live in Texas when I was very young. I think we lived in the middle of the desert, but I really can't remember. There were scorpions, or so my mother tells me, that used to run through the house.

After Grandma J shows me the Alamo, you can take me to the beach. You say that you can drive all the way down to the water, is the valet all the way down there?

I have to say that one thing I did love about LA was the valet parking everywhere! I hate to park the car, and I love that you can pay someone else to do it, plus when you are waiting for the valet to bring your car back, you can sometimes be waiting next to D-List celebrities.

I wonder if you can valet park an RV? Have you come any closer on a decision on an RV? There are a large number of retired folks who travel around Australia in RVs, we call them the Grey Nomads.

Dear Everyone Who is Reading this Right Now (and I am looking at you),

A beautiful person and his beautiful family really need a big hug and some home made cookies. Let's all reach out our arms to Jason and give him the biggest, hardest bear hug ever and let him know that we are right there with him.

Love, Hula Hank

DEAR __________________ ,

I thought I would try a new weekly thing

When I first started to blog, I knew nothing about the blogging world and how these programs work.

I still know nothing.

But the point is, I decided, in a sweeping moment, that I did not like Blogger's comments section and signed up with HaloScan. Now, I have decided that I love Blogger's comments section and hate HaloScan. The problem being that I don't know how to reverse this

I have attempted , but I cannot figure out how to remove the HaloScan code.

So, like in the Cabaret song "So What," I have come to terms with the fact that HaloScan is how it is going to be, small font (yes, Grandam J I hear ya!) and adverts (I don't even know what Blogger 08 is Pumpkin) and all.

I have only slightly figured out how to respond via e-mail to people who leave comments.

So in light of all of this shocking revolution, I thought it would be nice to respond to most people who leave a comment in the previous week. Also because the weekends are like a dead zone with bloggers... I wonder why that is? Are we all just trying to avoid doing work???

Without further ado.

Dear Mom #1,

Firstly, that was no cartoon. There is an actual tree you can drive through, but the famous one is not in Big Sur, but in the Sequoia forest outside of San Francisco in Sequoia National Park.. They may be others, I don't know, and I don't care.

I tried on the big wooden shoe, but it was a tad small for me... plus I am not really into clogs anymore.

That said, the Hollywood sign is pretty cool, although not a dominating as we are lead to believe by TV show, movies and cartoons. That said, it makes me wish we every city had a big sign that said some fabulous city name. Or my name. Or your name. How cool would that be?

Dear SarahB,

How distraught am I that I did not get to NYC to meet with you? Although I am loving your posts about opera. I have always had a hidden interest in opera, but it is similar to ballet, I think. One really needs someone who understands and loves it to fill them in on the good bits.

I love that fact that Bernadette Peters is coming to Australia! I was recently told that I have to go to conference in Adelaide next year, but I am not sure of the dates. Let's hope that Bernadette's performance and my conference are at the same exact time.

The only downside would be that fact that I would be in Adelaide. :(

Dear Grandma J,

I was really hoping that Astro Bear would be renamed Chip. But that is the way the cookie crumbles.

I am no where even near done telling you about our US journey and THAT shirt makes many a reappearance, almost worth a blog post of its own!!! But have I ever worn it to bed? Honestly? I may have once, by accident but I seriously can't remember for sure.

How cool was it to meet you for the very first time in LA??? That was one of my favourite bits of the journey.

Dear Mr Show,

Thank you. I value your values too!

Oh and by the way, if I was a kid on halloween, I would so keep coming back to your house with a a different mask! Gentle readers, just check out what Jason gave out to trick or treaters! Best house on the block!

Dear Rebeckah,

Why do I hate Mary Ingalls? I will have to write an essay on the subject. Keep an eye out for a Why I Hate Mary Ingalls post.

Love, Hula Hank